Forgive My Fear

“Dear God,
Thank you so much for all of the blessings that you give to me and my family. Please forgive me for my guilt, my fear, my lack of faith. Please forgive me because I’m grateful that it didn’t happen to me!”

This is probably not going to be my greatest post of all time, mostly because I don’t even want to write it. I just want to stop thinking about it - It being death. But I can’t and I won’t be able to move on to the next post (something I actually want to think about) until I’ve gotten this one out of my head and off of my heart. So here it goes…

This has probably been the worst summer ever. Not for me, but for a lot of people I know. I know 3 people that have died this summer, 3 unrelated, individual deaths. I did not know any of them on a real personal level, not even well enough to attend their funerals. But I am close to some of the people they left behind and it is those people, their loved ones that I can’t get off my mind. They are the ones that I pray for. They are the ones my heart breaks for. They are the ones that have been occupying the space in mind that is prone to worry and ponder. How will they go on? How will they pick themselves up and continue to live life?

So as I pay my respect to the following dearly departed, I also pray for their loved ones that have been left behind, shattered - People whom I also love.

A 13-year old boy. My friend’s grandson, killed in an ATV accident on Memorial weekend. I don’t know the rest of the family at all, but I know he left behind his mom and dad and 16-year old sister. I can’t stop thinking about what I would have done had I lost my little brother when I was only 16. My heart especially breaks for her.

A dad. A grandpa. My close friend’s father-in-law, killed by an inoperable brain tumor. His first symptoms and diagnosis at the beginning of June. Gone before August. I do not know my friend’s husband well, but my heart goes out to him. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to lose a parent, especially when you are close like they were - Like me and my parents are.

A husband. A young dad – 35. My brother’s best friend’s brother, killed in a medical helicopter accident. He was a flight nurse on his way to save someone else. He died tragically, yet honorably. My brother grew up with both of them and they were only one year apart. They continued to be friends until this day. My brother was with his friend, fishing, when his parents called to let him know about the accident. Again, I’m not close to the young man’s family, but I am close to my brother, and he is hurting. What if that happened to my best friend…my brother, my husband, my son?

I know that all 3 are in a far better place, finally free of their earthly shackles. It is all of those who loved them, left behind, that I now pray for. I have lifted them up in prayer what seems like a hundred times. But it doesn’t matter how many times I do it, it won’t change what happened. I wish it would. And I feel guilty because while I mean what I’m praying for them, I can’t stop thinking, “I’m glad it isn’t me”! And then I enter a downward shame spiral over the fact that that’s what I’m thinking! Only then the guilt turns to fear, because I know that someday it is going to be me. Someday I will be the one to suffer the unthinkable loss. My world shattered. My daily existence, the core of my being, altered forever. And someday I will be the one to die, shattering and altering my loved ones forever. It is a thought which I can hardly stand. And I’m left with the inevitable truth that it doesn’t matter how blessed I am, how grateful I am, how sinful I am, how obedient I am. How fat or thin I am, how rich or poor I am. Death is an inescapable part of life and we will all be touched by it.

I have experienced death of a love one before, but never of the same magnitude as these 3 - Never a parent, a child, a brother, a close friend. In that way I have lived such a blessed life. I should thank God for that everyday, but sometimes I’m afraid, like if I actually start thanking Him I might call attention to the fact that I have never really experienced anything that life-shattering. I know that I do not deserve to escape such loss anymore than anyone else. If I remind God of this by thanking Him, maybe He will then decide it is my due. I know that is silly. God already knows exactly what I have and have not experienced and what I will experience in the future. I know He loves me and all of His children. I know that He has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). But still, sometimes the silly side of me wins.

So how do you deal with the truth of death once you’ve admitted it or actually experienced it? The only way I know of is to turn to God. To have faith that He has prepared a home for us infinitely better than this life. A home where God and all of our loved ones await our arrival for the greatest reunion of all time!

“Until then God, I humbly ask you to forgive me for the guilt, shame, and fear I have about death and will no doubt continue to have all the rest of my days. And as I know that you have already forgiven me, I too forgive you for the loss I will someday have to face. I have faith that whatever that loss looks like or feels like; I will be able to endure with you by my side. Thank you God for not giving me a spirit of fear; but one of power, and love, and of a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7).”

“I also want to especially pray that you continue to comfort and heal the hearts of those suffering the loss of Nick, Art, and Ryan! May they Rest in Peace! It is in Jesus name that I pray for them all – Amen!”