Wait. Wait. Wait. MOVE! Wait...

“Dear God,

Thank you for this revelation!  Thank you for shining a light on my next step.  Thank you for reminding me that it does not matter what’s at the end of this path.  As long as I have faith and obey by continuing to step, you will prepare me, protect me, and be pleased with me!  Please help me to be BOLD for you and to never stop telling about everything I have seen and heard!* In Jesus name I pray – Amen!”  * Acts 4:20 NLT

If you’ve read my Nehemiah 4-Part post from December 2010, you already know that patience is not my strong suit.  I like to feel like I’m in charge, so even though I often look to God for answers, I have a tendency to then race ahead and turn His answers into my own plans.  Lately I’ve felt stuck.  Not discontent.  Not unhappy.  Just stuck!  That’s because 4 years ago, God told me to be patient, and I finally obeyed.  But it’s like being stuck in traffic…

Personally, I’d rather take a detour and go the long way if it means I can at least keep moving and get to my destination quicker!  But unless it is a planned and purposeful detour, implemented by the powers that be, I never beat the traffic.  Whenever I decide to be clever and take matters into my own hands by getting off the road and turning around, I never win.  In traffic (or in line at the store) I’m always in the slow lane.  So I jump over to the seemingly faster lane only to be slowed down again as I watch the spot I once occupied fly past me.  Does that ever happen to you?  I’m starting to realize this is a metaphor for my life.  If I’d just practice some patience and stay put, I’d probably to get to my desired destination much faster.

Sometimes God tells us to be patient.  Other times He tells us to get up and MOVE!  Problem for me is I just got used to the traffic.  I was kicking back, enjoying the view, listening to some tunes.  Now the traffic is starting to clear and it’s time to get moving again.  But I don’t want to move.  I’m scared to move.  I saw that bad accident on the side of the road which caused the traffic.  That could have been me…metaphorically speaking – it was me!  I don’t want to face that destruction again.  Maybe I should just turn around and go home.

It’s interesting to me that whether I’m trying to avoid being stuck or I’m scared to move forward, my first instinct is to “turn around”.  Turn around and back-track to find a better, faster way.  Or turn around and go back home where it’s comfortable!  Either way, it’s “back”.  Back in the past.  And I know for certain that God does not want us to live in the past.

He wants us to move forward.  But before we can move forward, we need to slow down, take a deep breath, and resist the urge to turn around.  Live in the “now” and prepare to move forward.

Earlier this year, I read an amazing book called Sun Stand Still, by Steven Furtick.  While there are many great things that I took away from this book, there is one little passage that really spoke to me.  At the top of Pg. 70, referencing Psalm 119:105, it reads,

“The Bible says that God’s word is a lamp to our feet, [a light on our path], not a floodlight beaming to our destination.”

I just love that!  It made me realize that’s what I’m always doing…waiting for the floodlight to illuminate my final destination and every step in between.  But the Bible clearly tells us that ain’t gonna happen!  Probably because we’d really be terrified if we knew the BIG plans God has in store for us!  So I guess I’ll just have to go with faith.  Take the next step that God is lighting at my feet.  Resist the urge to turn around.  Don’t look back.  MOVE forward!

That’s where I find myself these days, trying to resist the urge.  I feel overwhelmed because God has put several things on my heart to accomplish but I lack focus.  I know that He has a plan, and a pace, and an order for everything, but I have been unable to discern what all that is.  It’s frustrating!  My biggest problem is not really that I can’t see the next step clearly; it’s that I see five different steps, all leading a different direction.  None of which are lit very brightly.

Most of my ideas, goals, visions, whatever you want to call them, are related to interior design (which is my actual profession).  But they aren’t related closely enough for me to wrap my arms around and attempt to pursue all at once.  Up to this point I’ve been missing the link that ties them all together as one BIG vision, with one set path to get there.  Until now…

A couple of weeks ago I could NOT sleep.  I just had all of these ideas rolling around in my head wanting me to do something with them.  I just kept thinking and praying, “What should I pursue first?”  Tired of waiting for an answer I decided to get up and go do something productive.   Looking back, I’m pretty sure that was my answer,

“MOVE!”  He said.

Even before starting this blog, I’ve felt led to start a design blog, but I plan to tie it into an even bigger idea that I have for an eventual interior design business (TAWNT - Topic for A Whole 'Nother Time).  I must be debt-free before I can start this new business (read Jan 2011 post), so I haven’t even worried about that blog yet.  But plans change and for some reason when I got up that night I felt an overwhelming urge to at least check and make sure the name I wanted was available.  It was, so I went ahead and set up my new blog.  I also ordered a book online that I’d been meaning to read for months.  Was the traffic starting to move a little, or was I just taking another self-imposed detour?  I sure hoped not!

When my book finally arrived, I gobbled it up in a day.  It was great but still didn’t make any of my possible steps glow any brighter, that is until I read the back cover about the author, Seth Godin.   It said that he was the founder of www.squidoo.com.  What the heck is that?  I had to go check it out and what I found was a whole new world…a site that allows you to easily create mini websites, called “lenses”, for FREE!  How much FUN!  I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of explaining this, but let’s just say I was hooked!  I’d found a shiny new toy!

So I created a lens and I’m sitting there writing and listening to The Dave Ramsey Show.  He’s talking to his caller about pursuing a better career and finding his passion.  Then he asked the caller, “What would you do if money were no object?”

“WRITE!”

What?  Who said that?  Not the guy on the radio – oh wait…that was me! I startled myself with my own thought being so forcefully screamed by my brain!  All of a sudden it is so obvious.  My next step is to “write.”  That’s the missing link.  That’s the thing that is going to tie all of this stuff together!

This is what God wants me to do.  He’s lighting the path at my feet.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’m any good.  I just know.  I know that through writing I’m going to find some peace and gain the focus needed to start down the lighted path.  God is saying “MOVE!”  And I am saying, “Amen!  It’s about time!”

Put Down Your Luggage!

“Dear God,

OK, I have serious bloggers block!  What should I write about this month?  I know that I have a whole list of stories from my life that demonstrate how wonderful you are and how thankful I am to be so blessed…but for some reason none of them are motivating me at this moment.  Why is that?  I feel like maybe this month should be something current, but I feel kind of blah lately, like I’m stuck in some kind of rut and – what?...Forgiveness?  You want me to write about forgiveness?...Well OK, that makes sense for April since we did just celebrate Easter and all.  Thanks!  I knew you would inspire me! –Amen” 

(Yes, I realize it is now June but I really did start this post in April.  Will you please forgive me for being such a slacker?) 

So, what do I know about forgiveness?  I know that we are all called to do it.  I know that it is one of the hardest things in life to do.  It goes against every cell of our flesh to forgive when somebody has hurt us so badly.  And then I think about Jesus.  He died a horrible death on a cross so that we could all be forgiven.  He forgave us and redeemed us all.  There’s no doubt that as flesh Himself that was THE hardest thing He ever had to do.  But He did it because God asked Him to, because they both love us so much.  We are reminded of this in John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

He made Jesus the ultimate example of what it means to forgive.  And because I know that He loves me so much (and you too), I know He would never ask me to do something that wasn't for my own good.  He does not ask us to forgive our offenders for their sake (He is perfectly capable of dealing with them Himself - He does not need our help)!  He asks us to forgive them for our own sake.  It's taken me most of my life to figure this out. 

I will never forget the day that it just clobbered me over the head; the realization that withholding forgiveness was only hurting me.  It seemed like I had been mad at my dad forever.  Not the kind of I’m-never-speaking-to-you-again kind of mad, just this resentment that was always lingering in the edges of my mind.  Just waiting for the perfect moment to spring from the shadows and completely overtake me.  I knew it was time to just get over it, I mean my parents had been divorced for more than a third of my life.  I knew God wanted me to forgive, but I just couldn’t seem to do it.  I kept asking, 

“How do you forgive someone who’s never asked for forgiveness…who’s never even admitted that they did anything wrong?” 

It wasn’t long after that conversation with God that He answered me.  I was serving in the store at our church and while straightening up I noticed this wall of DVDs.  I had seen them there before, but never really paid much attention. They were the Nooma series and there was a bunch of them.  But on that day, this one in particular caught my eye and practically jumped off the shelf into my hands.  It was titled Luggage 007 - Rob Bell.  I turned it over to see what it was about and this is what I read: 

“Maybe a friend turned their back on you. Maybe someone you loved betrayed you. We all have wounds and we end up carrying around these things that people have done to us for weeks, months, and sometimes even years. It isn’t always easy to forgive these people and after a while these hurts can get really heavy. So the only way to feel better seems to be somehow getting back at the people that hurt us, to get revenge. But does revenge ever truly satisfy? Maybe forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else to let them off the hook. Maybe forgiveness is about you. God didn’t create you to carry these wounds around. God created you to be free.” 

Somewhat stunned, I put it back on the shelf.  It was the only one that I’d even felt compelled to look at.  That DVD changed my life and I never even actually watched it.  I didn’t need to.  That little blurb on the back told me everything I needed to know.  That was it.  I finally understood that I chose to pick up that “luggage” and carry it around with me.  And to get rid of that hurt all I had to do was forgive, set it down, and walk away.  And that’s exactly what I did.  I don’t think I’ve been mad at my dad since.  In fact, I think our relationship is better than ever. 

Now I recognize that in the big scheme of things this offense doesn’t seem like that big of a deal…half the population is divorced – boo hoo!  I know that I am so blessed to have two parents that love me, to have grown up in a home never lacking anything.  I know that a lot of people have suffered far worse things – unimaginable things that seem impossible to forgive.  If you’re one of those people I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel because I don’t.  But what I do know is that forgiving will only benefit YOU! 

Withholding forgiveness does not punish your offender, it punishes you.  By forgiving someone you are not saying that what they did was alright, you’re not excusing their behavior.  You’re freeing yourself – handing your offender over to God.  Believing that He is a God of justice and trusting that He will allow the appropriate punishment in His own perfect timing. Punishment is not your job and to act like it is only works against you, continuing to hurt you over and over again!  By giving it to God you take away the power of your spiritual enemy.  You sever that hold of hurt that he has on you!  Forgive for your own sake, and let God take care of the rest.  He always does.  When you call on Him, He always answers, just like He answered me on the back of a DVD – God is SO good!

Chasing the Wind

“Dear God,
Please don’t let me have lost it! Oh God, please, please, please…! If it’s gone I’m sure there’s a way to fix it, but when? How long will that take? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about it. I need it NOW! Please help me find it! I’m pretty sure I stuck it in my purse. Where could it be? It’s so windy! If it blew out it must be long gone. Oh Dear God PLEASE help me find it! – Amen”

Well in honor of the upcoming tax season I thought I’d share a little story of the time I lost my tax return check. My daughter was a little over a year old and I had quit my job nine months prior to stay home with her, practically cutting our household income in half. Needless to say we REALLY needed that check. Back then, we didn’t understand that it was not really a good thing to get a tax return. A return just means that we overpaid the government and let them use our money all year interest-free. But that’s beside the point…back then it seemed like the best plan ever! We could live for the next 3 months on that check alone. We praised ourselves for being so smart with our finances!

So, excited to have gotten the check (this was before electronic filing came into fashion – praise God for that), I tucked it into the back pocket of my purse, gathered up the baby and all of the necessary accompanying gear, and set out to run some errands – first stop being to deposit that check. With everyone and everything safely and securely packed in the car, I turned to battle the wind managing to get myself seated behind the steering wheel just as the wind slammed the car door closed behind me. If you live in Oklahoma you know exactly what I’m talking about! You could easily lose a leg if you’re not careful! I flung my purse into the passenger seat and went to grab the check to get it ready – but where was it?

I’m pretty sure I stuck it in here…(Frantically digging through my purse)…What if it blew out?...That would have been at least 5 minutes ago…In this wind it’s long gone…(Panic starts to set in)…Maybe I left it in the house.

I went back into the house quickly running through and looking everywhere that I thought I might have left it. It was nowhere to be found.

I ran back outside. The wind was blowing hard out of the north so I strained to see as far south as I could, looking for a piece of paper blowing down the street…nothing! It was gone. There was no way that the wind hadn’t already blown it into oblivion. What was I going to do? Call the IRS and ask them to issue another one – ha! I’m sure that’s an easy process! Not to mention that I needed that money like yesterday! That’s when I started to pray - that kind of panicked, urgent prayer that I only remember praying a few other times in my life. What should I do? Drive down the street to look for it? I had walked a couple houses past my house trying to see if I could see it. I turned around to head back to my car (yes, my baby was in there by herself, but don’t worry, the car wasn’t running and I wasn’t that far away). At that moment I noticed a piece of paper plastered to the south side of my house. My heart skipped a beat. Could it be my check? Oh please God, let that be my check. But as I got closer I had my doubts. The wind was blowing toward the south away from that side of my house. How could it have ended up there? I started to run toward the paper anyway, because chances were it wouldn’t stay put for long. As I entered into the area between mine and my neighbor’s house I experienced a small vortex of wind. A-ha! The wind was getting trapped between our houses and gusting toward the north…could it be?! I grabbed the paper, held my breath, and turned it over – JACKPOT!  It WAS my check! Hallelujah – Praise God – literally! I cried with relief and climbed back into the car, check tightly gripped in my hand all the way to the bank.

Now you may be thinking that this is really no big deal, not exactly an awe inspiring testimony. It’s perfectly natural that the check would be caught up in a vortex and blown against the side of my house, but trust me, this was a supernatural event! God intervened on my behalf. I had been relying on that money, relying on the government to provide that money. This was His way of getting my attention to remind me that I should only be relying on Him. He provides for all my needs. That money wasn’t a gift from the government. They were just returning what was mine. Actually it wasn’t even really mine, it was God’s. He was entrusting me with His riches, reminding me that it came from Him and it could be taken away just as easily as it was given. Thankfully, He blessed me with mercy that day and allowed me to keep it.

I believe that God has been prompting me to share this story with you for several reasons. First, it’s tax season again, so it’s timely. Second, He recently showed me this passage from His word: “But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.” (Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV), reminding me that it is He who gives us the “ability” to earn money. He deserves all the glory for every penny we have!

And lastly, a few days ago I was waiting for my now 9-year old daughter to get home from school. It was very windy out, much like the day my check blew away. My 3-year old son came running to me exclaiming:

“Sissy’s home! Sissy’s home! She’s tryin ta get sumpin (something).”

I looked out the window and couldn’t see her. Where was she? I knew her bus had already come. Then I saw her, bent down in front of our brick mailbox, apparently trying to pick up the mail that she’d dropped. I opened the door and walked toward her, asking if she needed help. She was crying…balling actually. She had dropped the mail and the wind had picked up a piece and was blowing it down the street. She had her hands and feet frantically stepping on all of the rest of the mail trying to keep it from also blowing away. I gathered up the mail freeing her to chase down the piece that had gotten away. Turns out it was just junk mail, but she didn’t know that. To her, it could have been the most important piece of mail in the world. I knew exactly how she felt. I had wanted to cry too when I thought my check was blowing down the street all those years ago. As I watched her chase after that mail it struck me, God was using the memory of that incident to once again remind me that we need to rely solely on Him…otherwise we’re just chasing the wind!