Should I Get Baptized?

"God, what more can I do? I know you love me and want me to be happy. I know that I am so blessed to know you and that you are with me always. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I don't care about the house or the job. I don't even care if I can have another child, just please help me find my way back to happiness."

I uttered this prayer, or a similar version, many times in the Spring of 2007.  My husband, daughter, and I had been attending church regularly for the past 2 years and I was feeling closer to God than ever.  So why was I so unhappy?...You see, in those past 2 years we had opened and closed a business, amassed a lot of debt, and also experienced the miscarriage of our second child back in October.

By this point I was restless and desperate for change.  I was miserable in my current but necessary job and was trying to get over my depression by turning my focus to buying a new house and finding a different job. In hindsight, this wasn't the best plan, because it was mine, not God's.  So it didn't matter what I did or how much I prayed, nothing was happening. Our existing house wasn't selling, my job pursuit was in limbo and no matter what, I could never bring back the baby I lost.

I wasn't mad at God though because I knew He had His reasons and His plans are always better than mine. But I was desperate to change the way I was feeling. To escape the pain. So I was trying with all my might to move my life in a better direction. I didn't want to sit still in that pain.  I wanted God to snap His fingers and make everything right again.  But God wanted me to sit still, be patient, and really listen to what He was telling me.  When I finally did, this is what I heard Him say:

"You need to get BAPTIZED."

What?!...That's not what we're talking about here God. How is getting up in front of the entire church and being dunked into a tank of water going help me feel any better? It would be different if you and I had just met, if I was still basking in the glory of my newfound faith. But we've been walking together since I was a teenager, and to be quite honest I'm really beat down, wondering why you've allowed such loss into my life.  I'm asking you to help me, and you want me to get baptized?!

Yes that really was my first thought...I know, I'm horrible!  But in my defense I didn't grow up in church.  I always believed in God, but not church.  I had my own personal relationship with Him and knew that He loved me whether I went to church or not.  So when it came to baptism I had much the same thought.  It seemed to be a non-issue.  I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior long ago so why did I need to humiliate myself in front of everyone by getting baptized?

And then it hit me like a rock (pun intended - Psalm 18:2)...God revealed to me just how selfish and wicked I really was! I shouldn't get baptized for myself. I should get baptized for HIM!  Jesus suffered the ultimate humiliation...CRUCIFIXION!  He endured the most brutal torture and death, on a cross, for ME! You'd think I could show a little appreciation!

It was no longer a question of, "Should I get baptized?" but rather, "When and where do I sign up?"

I believe it was no coincidence that it was almost Easter, the day that we acknowledge Jesus overcoming that cross, and my church was having a Baptism Bash to celebrate.  My husband had been baptized as a teenager, but he signed up to rededicate his life to Christ right along with me. We were baptized together at a special Good Friday evening service April 6, 2007.

It's also no coincidence that I've been inspired to write this post and publish it today, April 6, 2012.  Exactly 5 years later, AGAIN on Good Friday.  God is so timely!

Anyway...here's the feel-good, fun part of my baptism story:

You may or may not know that my husband and I are die-hard U2 fans. We've been to every concert of theirs since we were in college.  It's about the only music we can agree on. I bring this up because while we were in the pool waiting to get dunked (you know - being humiliated), I noticed that one of our all-time favorite U2 songs, Window In the Skies, was playing over the sound system.  The lyrics of that song so perfectly fit the occasion, that I just knew God meant it especially for us!  It was His way of showing His approval.

How do I know this?  Well...

Since we'd gotten soaking wet the night before, we didn't actually attend the service.  We went back on Saturday for the full experience.  Another group was being baptized and I was excited to hear the song again.  All the services, right down to the music played, are usually the same.  But not this time!...the U2 song was mysteriously missing from the playlist.  I say this facetiously because I believe God was confirming that song was just for us! Who knows?...maybe we were the only ones who heard it at all!  Isn't it just like God to play the perfect song at the perfect time.

And guess what else happened shortly after being baptized?...We got our new house, I got a new job, and we welcomed our son to this world a little over 10 months later.  I found my happiness again.  But what I really learned from this whole experience is that when we take our focus off of ourselves and focus on God, that's when we experience true happiness.

I want to be clear though...God did not answer all of my prayers because I got baptized. Do things seem to have turned around for me as a result?  Yes they do.  But my trouble didn't stop that day.  Quite the opposite.  If you've read my previous post, How I Met Nehemiah, you know that my troubles actually worsened dramatically before they got better.  But I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything!  They've shown me how to completely trust God and learn to be happy regardless of my circumstances.

Because of our own sin nature, our lives will never be perfect or free from trial.  But because of God's perfect Son, who died on a cross to "wash" us free from all our sins (which is what being dunked in the water at baptism symbolizes), we can face those trials head-on with full confidence that God is on our side and that He will use all things for good (Romans 8:28)!

That's what it means to truly walk with God.  And it's as easy for you as it is for me.  Because of Jesus's sacrifice, God is accessible to us all.  He wants to have a personal relationship with you.  You just have to believe, confess your sin, and all is forgiven.  Isn't that the best news ever!

This Sunday let's give an extra special thanks to God by remembering that HE IS RISEN!

And with that I leave you with a little snippet from U2's Window in the Skies:
...
The rule has been disproved, the stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove, all debts are removed
...
Oh can't you see what love has done
...
What it's done to me

Happy Easter!

Longest 10 Seconds Ever

"Dear God,
This is the longest 10 seconds EVER...please speed up time! Please make it stop! And could I look any more ridiculous? H...E...L...P...!"

I recently had a very humbling experience. If you've been keeping up then you know that I recently injured my knee (doing nothing but standing in my kitchen while hosting my first bible study meeting) and have been recovering from surgery. I've also been going to Physical Therapy for the past 6 weeks. It has been going well and I was able to ditch the crutches about 3 weeks in. Since then we've been really focusing on strengthening not just my knee, but my entire core and getting back to my normal gait (that's the PT smarty-pants way of saying "walk").

So back to my humbling experience...my therapist had me lie down on one of the tables, on my back, bend my right leg (that's the GOOD one mind you), raise and straighten my left leg, and then using the right bent leg, lift my butt up off the table and hold for 10 seconds...I could NOT do it! I mean I sort of did it, but I couldn't lift all the way up so that my body was in a straight incline. And it had nothing to do with my knee.  I just flat out wasn't strong enough to do it.  It was so humiliating. I was trying my best and my entire body was trembling as he counted to 10 in what I swear was 3x's that of a real second. When he finally let me drop down I thought for sure he was going to say,

"OK, you're not ready for that...let's try this instead." But NO! Instead he said, "OK let's try your left leg now."

WHAAAAT?! I thought. That was my good leg and now you want me to try it on my bad one? But not wanting to be a big baby I attempted it.

"ONE.......TWO.......THREE.......FOUR.......(Insert above prayer right about here).......TEN!

So humiliating! It became quite evident to me and my physical therapist that I have never actually used those muscles before - the glutes - yeah that's the butt muscles for those of you that aren't as fitness-minded as me (ha)! So anyway, he didn't make me do anymore of them.  He was probably worried that I would pass out right there on the table in front of all his other clients...not real good for business.  He instructed me to continue working on that in my home program (yeah - I'll get right on that!).

You see, I HATE to exercise. I've been successfully avoiding it my entire life with my justifying self-talk:  It's just not my thing...There's sweating involved...I'm not that coordinated...I lack the discipline to make it a habit, so what's the point...I don't look good in work out clothes...My motto is "never run unless being chased..."

But I have a confession to make. At the beginning of 2011 I prayed a prayer asking God to help me lose 40 lbs by the time I turned 40. In my head I named this my 40x40 prayer. I prayed for it, more than once actually, and then I did nothing about it. This is a confession because I never told anybody about my 40x40 prayer. Probably because if I had, I would have had to actually do something about it. And let's face it...I really didn't want to put forth the effort. I know I'm never going to look like a SI swimsuit model, so why bother?  By not telling anyone, there was no one to hold me accountable. But guess what?...I told God and He's holding me accountable.  Here's what He's been saying to me:

Kim, it's time to wake up.  If somebody was in fact chasing you, you wouldn't have a snowball's chance of outrunning them, even before you hurt your knee. And you know what else...you don't look good in workout clothes because you never workout! And another thing...you don't hate to exercise, you've never even given it a chance.  You've just been believing the devil for most of your life that you will never be physically fit.  It's time to stop listening to those lies and start believing me!

Well when it comes to excercising I've been really good at ignoring Him.  He's been whispering to me for a long time.  I think that's why I prayed 40x40 in the first place.  But the louder He spoke the more I closed my ears until "SNAP!" (that was my knee) I could no longer ignore Him.  Not if I wanted to walk normally again anyway.

Have you ever seen the movie Evan Almighty? (click here to see the clip) It's really cute. Anyway, in it Morgan Freeman plays God and he's talking to Evan's wife (she doesn't know that he's God) and he says:

"Let me ask you something.  If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?  If they pray for courage, does God give them courage or the opportunity to be courageous?  If someone prayed for their family to be closer (which she did), do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them the opportunity to love each other?"

If someone prays to lose 40x40, do you think He zaps them with immediate weight loss, or does He give them the opportunity to work out?  Or in my case "force" them to start working out!  See, He really did answer my prayer.  Not the way that I wanted - SHOCKER!  But the only way He could get my attention.  He allowed my freak knee accident to occur.  Which in hindsight really isn't freaky at all.

It's no coincidence that I hurt my knee doing absolutely nothing.  Now there's no logical explantion.  Nothing I can blame it on other than myself.  It's not like I was skiing and can just decide I'm not going to ski anymore.  I can't just decide that I'm never going to stand in my kitchen again.  And it's no coincidence that it happened the day after my 40th birthday party, a week before my actual birthday, DURING my first bible study group get-together. Because of these circumstances surrounding the accident I will forever associate my injury with my 40x40 prayer.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't think God is punishing me. I think He is loving me! Loving me by revealing the lies that I've been believing all these years. Loving me by changing my heart and my mind about the importance of exercise and being healthy.   I now believe that the accident is actually the answer to my prayer (be careful what you wish for right!). 

Much to my surprise, I actually look forward to going to PT because I actually feel stronger after every session.  It doesn't matter that when I leave I haven't lost a pound. What matters is that I am getting stronger. I am amazed at how quickly my body responds when I consistently put forth a little effort.  My knee feels better. I feel better. This is a feeling I want to chase for the rest of my life, and with the focus being shifted from that of weight loss to actually feeling strong, I think I finally have the motivation to do it.

The following verse has taken on a whole new meaning for me:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses [my new bible study friends] to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down [literally], especially the sin that so easily trips us up [and lays us flat on our kitchen floor]. And let us run with endurance [remember my old motto towards running] the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)

God wants to answer my prayer because He wants me to be healthy so that I can run the race that He's set before me. I'm going to continue down this path.  It's not too late.  I've still got 9 months to be 40.  And even if I'm not 40 lbs lighter I'll probably be 40x's stronger!  It's no longer a quest to be skinny (which obviously was not a very motivating factor since I'd already deemed it impossible), but a quest to be healthy...whatever that looks like!  Thank you God for convicting me! 

Wait. Wait. Wait. MOVE! Wait...

“Dear God,

Thank you for this revelation!  Thank you for shining a light on my next step.  Thank you for reminding me that it does not matter what’s at the end of this path.  As long as I have faith and obey by continuing to step, you will prepare me, protect me, and be pleased with me!  Please help me to be BOLD for you and to never stop telling about everything I have seen and heard!* In Jesus name I pray – Amen!”  * Acts 4:20 NLT

If you’ve read my Nehemiah 4-Part post from December 2010, you already know that patience is not my strong suit.  I like to feel like I’m in charge, so even though I often look to God for answers, I have a tendency to then race ahead and turn His answers into my own plans.  Lately I’ve felt stuck.  Not discontent.  Not unhappy.  Just stuck!  That’s because 4 years ago, God told me to be patient, and I finally obeyed.  But it’s like being stuck in traffic…

Personally, I’d rather take a detour and go the long way if it means I can at least keep moving and get to my destination quicker!  But unless it is a planned and purposeful detour, implemented by the powers that be, I never beat the traffic.  Whenever I decide to be clever and take matters into my own hands by getting off the road and turning around, I never win.  In traffic (or in line at the store) I’m always in the slow lane.  So I jump over to the seemingly faster lane only to be slowed down again as I watch the spot I once occupied fly past me.  Does that ever happen to you?  I’m starting to realize this is a metaphor for my life.  If I’d just practice some patience and stay put, I’d probably to get to my desired destination much faster.

Sometimes God tells us to be patient.  Other times He tells us to get up and MOVE!  Problem for me is I just got used to the traffic.  I was kicking back, enjoying the view, listening to some tunes.  Now the traffic is starting to clear and it’s time to get moving again.  But I don’t want to move.  I’m scared to move.  I saw that bad accident on the side of the road which caused the traffic.  That could have been me…metaphorically speaking – it was me!  I don’t want to face that destruction again.  Maybe I should just turn around and go home.

It’s interesting to me that whether I’m trying to avoid being stuck or I’m scared to move forward, my first instinct is to “turn around”.  Turn around and back-track to find a better, faster way.  Or turn around and go back home where it’s comfortable!  Either way, it’s “back”.  Back in the past.  And I know for certain that God does not want us to live in the past.

He wants us to move forward.  But before we can move forward, we need to slow down, take a deep breath, and resist the urge to turn around.  Live in the “now” and prepare to move forward.

Earlier this year, I read an amazing book called Sun Stand Still, by Steven Furtick.  While there are many great things that I took away from this book, there is one little passage that really spoke to me.  At the top of Pg. 70, referencing Psalm 119:105, it reads,

“The Bible says that God’s word is a lamp to our feet, [a light on our path], not a floodlight beaming to our destination.”

I just love that!  It made me realize that’s what I’m always doing…waiting for the floodlight to illuminate my final destination and every step in between.  But the Bible clearly tells us that ain’t gonna happen!  Probably because we’d really be terrified if we knew the BIG plans God has in store for us!  So I guess I’ll just have to go with faith.  Take the next step that God is lighting at my feet.  Resist the urge to turn around.  Don’t look back.  MOVE forward!

That’s where I find myself these days, trying to resist the urge.  I feel overwhelmed because God has put several things on my heart to accomplish but I lack focus.  I know that He has a plan, and a pace, and an order for everything, but I have been unable to discern what all that is.  It’s frustrating!  My biggest problem is not really that I can’t see the next step clearly; it’s that I see five different steps, all leading a different direction.  None of which are lit very brightly.

Most of my ideas, goals, visions, whatever you want to call them, are related to interior design (which is my actual profession).  But they aren’t related closely enough for me to wrap my arms around and attempt to pursue all at once.  Up to this point I’ve been missing the link that ties them all together as one BIG vision, with one set path to get there.  Until now…

A couple of weeks ago I could NOT sleep.  I just had all of these ideas rolling around in my head wanting me to do something with them.  I just kept thinking and praying, “What should I pursue first?”  Tired of waiting for an answer I decided to get up and go do something productive.   Looking back, I’m pretty sure that was my answer,

“MOVE!”  He said.

Even before starting this blog, I’ve felt led to start a design blog, but I plan to tie it into an even bigger idea that I have for an eventual interior design business (TAWNT - Topic for A Whole 'Nother Time).  I must be debt-free before I can start this new business (read Jan 2011 post), so I haven’t even worried about that blog yet.  But plans change and for some reason when I got up that night I felt an overwhelming urge to at least check and make sure the name I wanted was available.  It was, so I went ahead and set up my new blog.  I also ordered a book online that I’d been meaning to read for months.  Was the traffic starting to move a little, or was I just taking another self-imposed detour?  I sure hoped not!

When my book finally arrived, I gobbled it up in a day.  It was great but still didn’t make any of my possible steps glow any brighter, that is until I read the back cover about the author, Seth Godin.   It said that he was the founder of www.squidoo.com.  What the heck is that?  I had to go check it out and what I found was a whole new world…a site that allows you to easily create mini websites, called “lenses”, for FREE!  How much FUN!  I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of explaining this, but let’s just say I was hooked!  I’d found a shiny new toy!

So I created a lens and I’m sitting there writing and listening to The Dave Ramsey Show.  He’s talking to his caller about pursuing a better career and finding his passion.  Then he asked the caller, “What would you do if money were no object?”

“WRITE!”

What?  Who said that?  Not the guy on the radio – oh wait…that was me! I startled myself with my own thought being so forcefully screamed by my brain!  All of a sudden it is so obvious.  My next step is to “write.”  That’s the missing link.  That’s the thing that is going to tie all of this stuff together!

This is what God wants me to do.  He’s lighting the path at my feet.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’m any good.  I just know.  I know that through writing I’m going to find some peace and gain the focus needed to start down the lighted path.  God is saying “MOVE!”  And I am saying, “Amen!  It’s about time!”

Nehemiah's Grand Finale - NEH Part IV

“Dear God,
Thank you so much for the past four years and allowing my relationship with Nehemiah to conclude full-circle. What a circle it’s been! I finally feel restored and like my time to wait patiently may be coming to an end. It might be time to act, but don’t worry, I’m waiting for you to give a clear, “GO!” Thank you for this gift of time to be with my family and to rest and recharge. Thank you for reconnecting me to an old friend and for making new ones. Thank you for being you!  Amen!”

In my last post you found out that Nehemiah was not through with me, even though I thought I was through with him. I am so amazed at how this journey has come full circle. Like I said before, I didn’t really think I had a lot ruins that were in need of repair. I mean don’t get me wrong, I knew I had ruins but I thought I’d completely dealt with them because I’d been walking in such peace relying on God. In my first real encounter with the bible and Nehemiah things didn’t work out quite the way I had planned. But what I’ve discovered is that God had much better plans and the last four years have been amazing! My second encounter with Nehemiah, which was Anne’s bible study, has been a pure blessing! Not only have I been reconnected to an old friend but I’ve been able to see how God has been moving in her life and privileged to participate in a small part of it! I’ve also made some new amazing friends throughout the course of this study and for that I am truly grateful. So to close out this series I’d like to share with you what I think is probably the most important thing that I’ve learned:

The Bible Should Be Our Guide – Always!
I think one of the greatest lessons learned through my journey with Nehemiah is that the Bible should always be our guide. I’ve said before that I always believed in God, but I didn’t really put much stock in the bible. I was always critical of its validity seeing as how it had been interpreted so many times and so many ways by Man – and we know how fallible he is! It really didn’t help that the first time I ever consulted it, I was lead down such a rocky road. I think that’s the main reason why God directed my attention to Nehemiah again; to show me how relevant the bible still is today. It is His living, breathing word; the roadmap that we should all follow.

In Anne’s study on Pg. 104, she had us look up Hebrews 4:12 which reads, “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” It most certainly does!

While doing a little research of my own for this blog I stumbled onto this verse:

“His word is always relevant and we should always seek it.” Isaiah 55:11

I thought that summed it up pretty nicely!

Conclusion
I realize now that I used Nehemiah (and the bible too for that matter) superficially before to accomplish my goals. Now I’m learning that I need to slow down and be more like him. Really understand what it was that he did and how he ultimately accomplished the vision placed in his heart by God. He prayed and obeyed God every step of the way. He was patient and acted only when the time was right, after God had cleared the way. He did not let his enemies (earthly or spiritual) distract him from God’s work. By doing all of that he was able to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem in only 52 days. It was a true miracle and he proved that when God places a vision in your heart and mind, not only is it possible to accomplish the task, but highly probable!  The only thing that is impossible is trying to stop you!

I still have my vision. It is not dead. After the walls came crumbling down I thought it was, but just a few months later it started glimmering again. During these last few years I’ve been chasing that glimmer, but only by asking God for His guidance. In doing so I now see that it is MUCH different than I originally thought it to be. It is so much clearer now and it’s shining brighter than ever. No my vision is most certainly not dead. It is very much alive and well in my head and in my heart. I have no doubt that it was placed there by God and by seeking His wise council throughout, it will come to fruition. I have to be patient and act only when He says it’s time. If I find that I have to force something to happen, that’s a sure sign that it’s NOT the right time.
(UPDATE: To see this vision being put into action you can go check out my new design blog at www.RevYourRoom.com)

I think my whole Nehemiah journey has revealed to me that when you are praying and truthfully seeking God’s will, he will never let you fail. Even though at the time it seemed to me like I had failed. I thought that I must have completely missed the mark of His calling or I would have surely succeeded! I've discovered that when you make decisions based on what you think He is telling you to do, they are always the right decisions. I’m not saying you can never go wrong, I’m just saying that God can and will make all things right when you are honestly pursuing His will. You may feel like you made the wrong decision because it did not produce the outcome that you thought it would or should, but it was right in God’s eyes. I don’t think I was wrong to buy a new house. I don’t think I was wrong to pursue a different career path or to consult the bible. All of my perceived “failures” forced me to turn to Him and to realize that He is the only way to truly be successful in this life. To Him my decisions led to success! They brought me closer to Him.

Anne says it very eloquently on Pg. 26, “We are set apart to accomplish His purposes for our lives, not our own.” She later goes on to say, “He will grant you success in His Purposes for your life.”

After participating in my first bible study ever, I can now confidently say that God has completely restored my walls. Hopefully I am now better prepared for the next time they come tumbling down.

Fun Fact from my Full-Circle Moment
While writing this series I stumbled across something interesting. I remembered that in the Intro of the study, Anne had said that she found Nehemiah by accident. She had been studying prayer throughout scripture and got to a verse in Nehemiah when God prompted her to read his whole story. She had not set out to write a bible study, but that’s what resulted from her willingness to go where God called – Thank you Anne! So just a few days ago, out of curiosity, I asked her when she first accidentally found Nehemiah. Her answer…

“March 2007.” – I know!!!...EXACTLY the same time that I found him! Isn’t it so cool when you get a glimpse of how God knits everything together!  He’s AWESOME!!!

Thank you for reading my blog!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that you are abundantly blessed in the New Year!!! 

My Boyfriend's Back - NEH Part III

“Dear God,
Thank you so much for reintroducing me to Nehemiah. Please forgive me for not digging deep enough the first time you introduced us. I am sure I could have avoided a lot of heartache. Instead I just took what I wanted from what you were showing me and ran ahead with my own plans. I know that you have already forgiven me as evidenced by your constant support and unfailing love. It’s been an awesome journey and I can’t wait for you to reveal more of your plan for my life! Thank you for never forsaking me! Amen!”

As you already know from NEH Part I and II of my blog, I hit a pretty rough patch. I honestly thought that I was being obedient to God and His plans for my life. When the walls crumbled and I found myself unemployed, I was in a state of shock, and I was embarrassed. I’d put myself out there. I didn’t play it safe, and besides hurting my pride, now our entire financial life was in ruins. I started to second guess every decision I’d made up to that point. Maybe I wasn’t really hearing from God at all. But after I called out to Him and started to obey His commands by being patient a strange thing happened…I found peace!

Which brings us to today (well actually a few months ago) – I found out through Facebook that one of my friends from high-school, Anne Resler, wrote a bible study (yes she wrote it – impressive I know!). And guess what it’s about?...Nehemiah! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read about it. Up to this point I had kind of forgotten about Nehemiah. He was like an old boyfriend who did me wrong and I really didn’t want to think back to that time - too many bad memories. But here he was again, knockin’ on my door, asking to come in. I couldn’t resist, I let him in.

Anne doesn’t live here anymore, so when a good friend of hers who does offered to lead the bible study, I jumped at the chance to participate. I had never participated in a bible study before, but I signed up anyway…I mean how could I not? For ten weeks we thoroughly explored the entire book of Nehemiah, which I’m now sure is what I should have done in the first place. He really is an inspiration and I can’t believe I gave up on him so easily. I have learned so much by studying God’s word through his story.

The bible study is titled, “Rising from the Ruins – Restoring the Broken Places of Our Lives.” It starts out asking us to really examine our own “ruins”. At this point I didn’t really think I had any ruins that were still in need of repair. As my story has told, I’ve been walking with God and thought that my wounds had been healed, my walls rebuilt. I had found my peace. But after going through this journey with Nehemiah I realized that they had not been completely restored. After studying his WHOLE story I have a much better understanding of my missteps along the way and why things went the way they did. I want to share with you just a few of the things that Nehemiah has taught me:

Patience
Looking back on my ruins always made me think that I’d done something wrong, disobeyed God, but what I’ve found is that it is quite the opposite. God would ask me to take a step in faith and I would obey. Except instead of taking one step, I’d take four! I was trying to take over for God…not being patient. It just never moved fast enough for me. If I was experiencing something painful, I just wanted to get through it as fast as possible so I could be done with it. Like a band-aid – just rip it off real fast so it doesn’t hurt as much! If it was something good that I was excited about, I just wanted to skip right to it…start instantly living the good life! When things didn’t go the way I thought they should, I immediately thought it was a course correction, like I hadn’t heard God right at all. I thought I’d made a mistake. What I wasn’t accounting for was that God knows the bigger picture and if I trust Him, He will use all things for good. I had not been trusting Him!

Anne makes such a good point in her study on Pg. 11 where she says, “God is sovereign and He always has a plan for the waiting. When He calls us to a time of waiting, it is always for His greater purpose in our life. Our passion cannot run ahead of God’s provision or the plan will become ours, not God’s.”

That’s exactly what I had been doing – running ahead, making it MY plan! To drive this point home even further, she says on Pg. 22, “[Nehemiah] did all of the groundwork and had everything in place BEFORE he shared what God put in his heart to do for Jerusalem.” She was referring to this verse:

NEH 2:11-12
“I went to Jerusalem, and after staying there three days I set out during the night with a few men. I had not told anyone what my God had put in my heart to do for Jerusalem…”

What?! Good to know! I could have used that information about four years ago! Remember the first time I visited NEH I was directed to 2:17-18, which told me that I should “share” my vision with others. So that’s exactly what I did and we know how that turned out. Funny thing is if I had done a little more due diligence and read the five or six verses prior to those, things might have worked out quite differently. By not being patient and trying to speed things up myself, I only succeeded at drastically slowing them down! If I had only trusted God the first time he told me to be patient, I probably could have realized my dream already and moved on to an even bigger one!

God is Our Protector and Defender
In examining my ruins I was reminded of another test of my faith which occurred while I was learning about patience. Practically every time I would tell someone my job-loss story they would respond the same way:

“Are you going to sue? They can’t get away with that? They owe you.”

To be honest, I really contemplated it. I even consulted with a lawyer who thought that I had a pretty solid case, but at what price? I asked myself what I really had to gain besides maybe a year’s worth of pay from a broken promise, and who knew how long that would take. It could be a slow, stressful process, not exactly good for a pregnant lady. And who exactly would I be getting back? Ultimately I would only end up hurting the one person that had been on my side through the whole ordeal – one of my favorite people, my old-boss. The others that had contributed to my ruination wouldn’t suffer a bit - they didn’t own the company. It would be no skin off their backs. Nope! - I decided to leave it in God’s hands, not the court’s, to serve justice and to bring me and my family through this difficult financial time. He is the higher power! I’m positive that’s what He wanted me to do, because He’s been taking great care of us ever since.

During this study I realized that this part of my story is a perfect example of God as defender. The bible says in Proverbs 18:10, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.”

This image is so beautiful to me, especially when Anne ties it together with Nehemiah’s efforts to rebuild the wall. She says on Pg. 33, “Just as the physical structure of a tower along a city wall was proposed for protection, defense, and safeguarding a city, scripture teaches us that our LORD God does the same for us…[He is] our Protector, Defender, and the one who Safeguards us in our journey. He is positioned next to our weak and vulnerable places [just like the towers are positioned next to the gates in the wall].” On Pg. 35 she goes on to call Him our “escort” – “He protects us. He defends us. Whatever we need to carry out His cause on the earth. He will be our divine escort on the journey. He is our personal armed guard.” Looking back I can definitely see that He has escorted me safely out of many difficult situations (remember my first business venture)!

When I was suddenly left job-less I felt many emotions. Besides being scared for the future, I felt angry and humiliated! How could they break their promise like that? I wanted them to pay. I wanted to defend myself and send a message that they couldn’t treat me like that and just get away with it unscathed. I wanted to sue them! But thankfully I was already trusting God and He gave me the peace I needed to deal with all of those emotions. Who knows – if I had decided to take matters of justice into my own hands I might still be dealing with that mess today. Ugh - that would suck!  Looking back, I now know that making the decision to let God do the defending and protecting for me, was the final piece to finding my peace.

And there actually was some redemption when the tail that was wagging the dog fell off anyway. About three months after my “trial”, two of my main objectors, the ones that everyone was trying so hard to please, left the firm anyway and started their own. Ahhh – a little sweet justice! And just think if I had actually started working there, I would have been blamed for that! There is a God and He is good! I’m so glad I trusted Him. He knows what is best for me, and that was not it!

My next post will be the fourth and final one of the series. I have a little bit more to share about what I’ve learned from Nehemiah and then I promise I’ll wrap it up. I hope you are finding it inspiring…or something! Be on the lookout for Nehemiah’s Grand Finale – NEH Part IV.

Screw Nehemiah - NEH Part II

“Dear God,
How could you LET this happen? I thought I was doing exactly what you wanted me to do. I thought I was obeying. I started going to church, I stopped borrowing money, I’ve been tithing faithfully for years…what am I supposed to do now? Why would you lead me to Nehemiah and inspire and encourage me like that? I went for it. I stepped out in faith to rebuild my own personal wall and did more harm than good. You know what – screw Nehemiah! I’m sorry God but I’m upset! The ruins are now worse and I don’t know how to fix them! Please help me - help me understand what I’m doing wrong. I know that I can’t make it through this without you, but apparently I’m not hearing you very well. Show me what I’m missing. What have I done to cause this to happen? Please forgive me for whatever it is and thank you for loving me regardless – Amen!”

Monday, September 17, 2007 – I sat there stunned, alone in my car, tears falling onto the phone in my lap. Seriously…what just happened? I was dressed for work and ready to go. I had just dropped my daughter off at school, kindergarten, where she would go for half a day and then catch a bus over to daycare. I wasn’t thrilled with this arrangement, but it’s what you’ve got to do when you’re a working mom right?

*If you haven’t already read How I Met Nehemiah – NEH Part I, posted on Dec. 17, 2010, I suggest you do so now.

So back to 2007…I was supposed to start my new job that day, the new job that I had totally conceived of and created for myself. The new, bigger, better job that I thought was a blessing from God since He’s the one who gave me the vision in the first place. And then I even consulted His advice by turning to the bible. And there was my answer right there, under the word “Vision”, the ONLY reference was to Nehemiah 2:17-18. So I took ol’ Nehemiah’s example and ran with it. I mean it just doesn’t get any clearer than that does it?! Then tell me, how could I have possibly just heard those words from one of my favorite people in the world?...

“I’m going to have to rescind my offer”, said my old-boss who was supposed to be my new-boss starting that very day.

Once again, the walls were crumbling. I can’t say that it was a total surprise. I’d had a foreshadowing the week before, but I never thought it would turn out like this. When word at the company had gotten around that I would be returning there was some serious push-back. Unlike Nehemiah, I was failing to inspire with my vision. Apparently people really don’t like change and I was coming back with plans to make all kinds of changes. In my talks with the principal partners we had anticipated this reaction to some degree but I was told they were not running a democracy and that their word was final. Anyone opposed would just have to learn to deal with it. Obviously that was not reality and they had a serious case of the tail wagging the dog! The week before, the masses had started to protest so loudly with their pitchforks in hand, that an emergency meeting was called.

In attendance: Me, my old-boss, the other two principals, a designer (who used to work for me and was apparently none-too-thrilled with our new arrangement - looking back I can't really say that I blame her), two other architects and the marketing person (none of whom I’d ever worked with before but they all thought I was stepping on their toes in a big way!)

I will forever refer to this meeting as “My Trial”. Now I’ve never actually been on trial, but this is what I imagine it would feel like. The trial took place in the living room of one of the principal’s homes, and even though he had previously approved of my hiring, he had now taken up the neutral position of what he called “mediator” (you don’t want to know what I called it)! We were all sort of sitting in a circle around the room but it was really more like an egg-shape with me and my old-boss sitting at the smaller end facing the surrounding angry mob. I was like the criminal on trial and he was my counsel, not only defending me, but also his decision to hire me.

After a couple of hours of cross-examination, we concluded the trial with no real verdict. Everyone decided that they would continue to deliberate over the remainder of the week. I was leaving the next day on a short family vacation, and would not be back until the weekend. I was supposed to start work the following Monday so my old-boss and I agreed that I would call first before showing up to work.

You already know what happened on that call. I was suddenly unemployed with a new, bigger, better mortgage and a second baby on the way. How are we going to pay for all this? I was virtually unemployable for the next nine months. Let’s face it, nobody wants to hire someone that can’t travel too far and is then going to take leave for three months!

So as I continued to cry and pray, I asked Him,

“What do you want me to do? Whatever it is, I will do it!” What I heard in response was,

“Trust me. Be patient. I will let you know when you need to act. Until then accept this time as a gift”.

Hmm, I like gifts.  “Okay, I’ll be patient”, I said somewhat skeptical, “But you’re going to have to help me explain this to my husband, my family, my friends, and anyone else who might think that I have totally lost it!”

“Done!” He said, and then He reminded me that my old-boss had offered me a month’s pay of my would-have-been salary for all of the turmoil.

“Trust me”, He repeated, “It’s enough. Be patient.”

This wasn’t the first time that He told me to be patient, but I think it was the first time that I actually listened. And let me just say that it went against every fiber of my being to not be out there trying to fix the situation. But God proved Himself faithful when that money turned out to be EXACTLY what we needed to get us through to the end of the year. And then my husband got his year-end bonus, the biggest one he’d ever had, and along with some careful planning, that was enough to get us through to the next year!

It was at this point that I realized that I could completely trust God. Just like he walked us out of the mess I created with my first business venture, he would walk us out of this one - a mess that was created by the hurt from the loss of my baby. Rather than being patient and allowing Him to heal that hurt, I ran as fast as I could away from that pain in pursuit of the better plans that He had promised.

Realizing that I was not able to fix ANYthing (I was actually making things worse), and knowing that we had enough money for a little while, allowed me to relax and let go. I quit worrying about getting a job (which was a little unnerving for my husband as he now shouldered all of the financial responsibility) and started to see this time as exactly what it was - a GIFT! Now I would have more time to spend with my daughter. She wouldn’t have to go to aftercare anymore (remember - I was less than impressed with that arrangement anyway)! I could rest and just focus on having a happy pregnancy and a healthy baby. And that’s exactly what I did, giving birth to my beautiful son on Valentine’s Day of all days!

He is now almost three years old. We still live in our new, bigger, better house and we have not had to borrow any more money to do so. As a matter of fact, we are poised to be completely debt-free (except for the house) very soon. I must mention that my husband is an excellent provider and he has been keeping the faith right along with me!  The past three years have been nothing short of a miracle. We are so blessed and these trials that we continue to go through have made our marriage even stronger and brought our family closer together. God really does know what He is doing. I am now perfectly content to let Him handle things!

You may be wondering what happened to my relationship with Nehemiah. Do I still hold a grudge against him for leading me so astray? How does my story inspire anyone to consult the bible when looking for answers? When I went there I found him, but following his example certainly didn’t seem to work out at all! Well stay tuned for my next post because, My Boyfriend’s Back – NEH Part III.

How I Met Nehemiah - NEH Part I

“Dear God,
Thank you for giving me a vision and the understanding that I need to share my vision with others. Thank you that this sharing has resulted in a new job for me with better pay, more responsibility and control, and also the resources and ability to bring my vision to light! Thank you for introducing me to Nehemiah. I am inspired by his pursuit of his vision to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem. I am ready to start my own rebuilding. Amen!”

I was introduced to Nehemiah in March 2007 which resulted in this prayer a few months later. Over the last four years he has taken me on quite a journey, meaning there is no possible way to cover it in just one blog post. So I’ll hit the high points and skip the details because they can make up entire testimonials on there own. This is Part I of a four-part series. My intent is to post them all a few days apart, before the end of the year (2010). So let’s get started...

God and I had grown quite close over the past few years. I had started a franchise remodeling business and had borrowed a lot of money to do it. It didn’t take long to realize I was in way over my head. It was then that I really started seeking God’s guidance. I’d always believed in Him and prayed to Him, but never really consulted Him on what I should be doing. To be quite honest I didn’t even know that I was supposed to. Up to that point I could count on one hand the number of times I’d attended a church service. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I finally did ask Him what to do, He sent me to church.

I loved church and through my growing relationship with God, I started to understand that I had to get out of this business venture. Being in debt is never a good thing and in order to stay afloat we would have to borrow even more money. The stakes were becoming too high for our family. I consulted God every step of the way. Almost immediately I had a buyer for my franchise, debt was being forgiven, a new tenant resumed my office lease, and on top of all that, a new job fell right into my lap without me even looking for it. God provided the path, took my hand, and escorted me right out of that mess with hardly a scratch, proving once again that He never abandons.

Although my new job was not exactly a perfect fit, I just knew God had me there for a reason. After all, we were close to being out of debt and thrilled to find out that baby number two was on the way. And then I had a life-altering experience. At 8 weeks, I lost our baby…CRASH! My walls were crumbling! I thought I was doing everything right. I didn’t understand and I asked God,

“Why are you punishing me?”

“I’m not,” He replied. “I just have different, better plans for you. Be patient.”

Well as someone who likes to think they're in control, I’m not very patient…and what could be better than a baby? After my miscarriage I was in such a funk that I downright despised going to work. I mean really what was the point? So in my typical, not-so-patient fashion, I set about to create a point. I decided that we needed a new, bigger, better, house. Yes – this would surely fix everything! If I couldn’t have my baby then by gosh the rest of my life was going to look the way I wanted!

Then in the midst of that process I decided I also needed a new bigger, better, job. In my mind a vision was forming. I was heading up my own interior design firm (if you don’t already know, I am a professional interior designer). I was full of ideas about how interior designers and architects could work together more cohesively, not only to design better projects but also make them more profitable. I was certain this vision was from God. I mean surely if His better plans didn’t include a baby they must include a successful career, right?!

After some pondering I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t have any money and I’d already learned that it’s never wise to borrow it. So I decided to try something new. I consulted God’s word. Yep – it only took me 35 years to figure out that I should crack open a bible every now and then.

Not really knowing what I was doing, I looked up the word “vision” in the back of the bible. There was only one reference which read,

“inspire others with yours…NEH 2:17-18.”

This is the precise moment that Nehemiah entered my life. If you’re not familiar with Nehemiah (I’d never even heard of him), he is from the Old Testament and was responsible for bringing God’s chosen people back together to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem. To sum up verses 17-18, he basically has a conversation with city officials telling them that although the city lies in ruins, the gracious hand of God had been upon him and that it was time to rebuild the wall. The city officials agreed, so they began the good work.

It was a nice passage, but what really got me was the Cliff’s Notes at the bottom of the page, you know, that running commentary written by someone way smarter than you to basically translate the message that God wants you to know. From the Life Application Study Bible, New Living Translation, this is what it said:

“Spiritual renewal often begins with one person’s vision. Nehemiah had a vision, and he shared it with enthusiasm, inspiring Jerusalem’s leaders to rebuild the walls. We frequently underestimate people and don’t challenge them with our dreams for God’s work in the world. When God plants an idea in your mind to accomplish something for him, share it with others and trust the Holy Spirit to impress them with similar thoughts. Don’t regard yourself as the only one through whom God is working. Often God uses one person to express the vision and others to turn it into reality. When you encourage and inspire others, you put teamwork into action to accomplish God’s goals.”

So that was it! In order to rebuild my own personal wall I needed to share my vision with others, and I knew just the right person - my old-boss. He’s a principal partner at the architectural firm where I got my start right out of college and worked my way up to being an associate partner. I had left on good terms choosing to spend more time with my newborn daughter. We had kept in touch since my departure and he knew all about my business venture (and failure) and my new job. He was and still is one of my favorite people on the planet, so of course he was the perfect person with which to share my vision. Not only is he a visionary himself, but he could provide the resources that I would need to put this plan into action.

So I called him up, we had a meeting, he was intrigued. He asked me to put together a brief business plan outlining my proposal that he could take to the other partners. I did. He shared, which kicked off a round of various interview type meetings over the course of the next six months. Finally in August he hired me to head up a new interior design branch of the firm. Implementing my ideas, we were going to take it in a whole new direction. I was to start in September.

During that same six months we sold our old house and moved into the new, bigger, better one. We also unexpectedly (and much to our delight) got pregnant again and passed that iffy first trimester. I was flying high! A new house, a baby on the way, and a new higher-paying job that was more suited to my talents. God had placed a vision in my heart and by seeking His will through His word I had obeyed and doors had been opened. I just knew we were going to be wildly successful, I mean with God on my side, what could possibly go wrong?...To be continued in Part II – Screw Nehemiah!