Should I Get Baptized?

"God, what more can I do? I know you love me and want me to be happy. I know that I am so blessed to know you and that you are with me always. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I don't care about the house or the job. I don't even care if I can have another child, just please help me find my way back to happiness."

I uttered this prayer, or a similar version, many times in the Spring of 2007.  My husband, daughter, and I had been attending church regularly for the past 2 years and I was feeling closer to God than ever.  So why was I so unhappy?...You see, in those past 2 years we had opened and closed a business, amassed a lot of debt, and also experienced the miscarriage of our second child back in October.

By this point I was restless and desperate for change.  I was miserable in my current but necessary job and was trying to get over my depression by turning my focus to buying a new house and finding a different job. In hindsight, this wasn't the best plan, because it was mine, not God's.  So it didn't matter what I did or how much I prayed, nothing was happening. Our existing house wasn't selling, my job pursuit was in limbo and no matter what, I could never bring back the baby I lost.

I wasn't mad at God though because I knew He had His reasons and His plans are always better than mine. But I was desperate to change the way I was feeling. To escape the pain. So I was trying with all my might to move my life in a better direction. I didn't want to sit still in that pain.  I wanted God to snap His fingers and make everything right again.  But God wanted me to sit still, be patient, and really listen to what He was telling me.  When I finally did, this is what I heard Him say:

"You need to get BAPTIZED."

What?!...That's not what we're talking about here God. How is getting up in front of the entire church and being dunked into a tank of water going help me feel any better? It would be different if you and I had just met, if I was still basking in the glory of my newfound faith. But we've been walking together since I was a teenager, and to be quite honest I'm really beat down, wondering why you've allowed such loss into my life.  I'm asking you to help me, and you want me to get baptized?!

Yes that really was my first thought...I know, I'm horrible!  But in my defense I didn't grow up in church.  I always believed in God, but not church.  I had my own personal relationship with Him and knew that He loved me whether I went to church or not.  So when it came to baptism I had much the same thought.  It seemed to be a non-issue.  I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior long ago so why did I need to humiliate myself in front of everyone by getting baptized?

And then it hit me like a rock (pun intended - Psalm 18:2)...God revealed to me just how selfish and wicked I really was! I shouldn't get baptized for myself. I should get baptized for HIM!  Jesus suffered the ultimate humiliation...CRUCIFIXION!  He endured the most brutal torture and death, on a cross, for ME! You'd think I could show a little appreciation!

It was no longer a question of, "Should I get baptized?" but rather, "When and where do I sign up?"

I believe it was no coincidence that it was almost Easter, the day that we acknowledge Jesus overcoming that cross, and my church was having a Baptism Bash to celebrate.  My husband had been baptized as a teenager, but he signed up to rededicate his life to Christ right along with me. We were baptized together at a special Good Friday evening service April 6, 2007.

It's also no coincidence that I've been inspired to write this post and publish it today, April 6, 2012.  Exactly 5 years later, AGAIN on Good Friday.  God is so timely!

Anyway...here's the feel-good, fun part of my baptism story:

You may or may not know that my husband and I are die-hard U2 fans. We've been to every concert of theirs since we were in college.  It's about the only music we can agree on. I bring this up because while we were in the pool waiting to get dunked (you know - being humiliated), I noticed that one of our all-time favorite U2 songs, Window In the Skies, was playing over the sound system.  The lyrics of that song so perfectly fit the occasion, that I just knew God meant it especially for us!  It was His way of showing His approval.

How do I know this?  Well...

Since we'd gotten soaking wet the night before, we didn't actually attend the service.  We went back on Saturday for the full experience.  Another group was being baptized and I was excited to hear the song again.  All the services, right down to the music played, are usually the same.  But not this time!...the U2 song was mysteriously missing from the playlist.  I say this facetiously because I believe God was confirming that song was just for us! Who knows?...maybe we were the only ones who heard it at all!  Isn't it just like God to play the perfect song at the perfect time.

And guess what else happened shortly after being baptized?...We got our new house, I got a new job, and we welcomed our son to this world a little over 10 months later.  I found my happiness again.  But what I really learned from this whole experience is that when we take our focus off of ourselves and focus on God, that's when we experience true happiness.

I want to be clear though...God did not answer all of my prayers because I got baptized. Do things seem to have turned around for me as a result?  Yes they do.  But my trouble didn't stop that day.  Quite the opposite.  If you've read my previous post, How I Met Nehemiah, you know that my troubles actually worsened dramatically before they got better.  But I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything!  They've shown me how to completely trust God and learn to be happy regardless of my circumstances.

Because of our own sin nature, our lives will never be perfect or free from trial.  But because of God's perfect Son, who died on a cross to "wash" us free from all our sins (which is what being dunked in the water at baptism symbolizes), we can face those trials head-on with full confidence that God is on our side and that He will use all things for good (Romans 8:28)!

That's what it means to truly walk with God.  And it's as easy for you as it is for me.  Because of Jesus's sacrifice, God is accessible to us all.  He wants to have a personal relationship with you.  You just have to believe, confess your sin, and all is forgiven.  Isn't that the best news ever!

This Sunday let's give an extra special thanks to God by remembering that HE IS RISEN!

And with that I leave you with a little snippet from U2's Window in the Skies:
...
The rule has been disproved, the stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove, all debts are removed
...
Oh can't you see what love has done
...
What it's done to me

Happy Easter!

Longest 10 Seconds Ever

"Dear God,
This is the longest 10 seconds EVER...please speed up time! Please make it stop! And could I look any more ridiculous? H...E...L...P...!"

I recently had a very humbling experience. If you've been keeping up then you know that I recently injured my knee (doing nothing but standing in my kitchen while hosting my first bible study meeting) and have been recovering from surgery. I've also been going to Physical Therapy for the past 6 weeks. It has been going well and I was able to ditch the crutches about 3 weeks in. Since then we've been really focusing on strengthening not just my knee, but my entire core and getting back to my normal gait (that's the PT smarty-pants way of saying "walk").

So back to my humbling experience...my therapist had me lie down on one of the tables, on my back, bend my right leg (that's the GOOD one mind you), raise and straighten my left leg, and then using the right bent leg, lift my butt up off the table and hold for 10 seconds...I could NOT do it! I mean I sort of did it, but I couldn't lift all the way up so that my body was in a straight incline. And it had nothing to do with my knee.  I just flat out wasn't strong enough to do it.  It was so humiliating. I was trying my best and my entire body was trembling as he counted to 10 in what I swear was 3x's that of a real second. When he finally let me drop down I thought for sure he was going to say,

"OK, you're not ready for that...let's try this instead." But NO! Instead he said, "OK let's try your left leg now."

WHAAAAT?! I thought. That was my good leg and now you want me to try it on my bad one? But not wanting to be a big baby I attempted it.

"ONE.......TWO.......THREE.......FOUR.......(Insert above prayer right about here).......TEN!

So humiliating! It became quite evident to me and my physical therapist that I have never actually used those muscles before - the glutes - yeah that's the butt muscles for those of you that aren't as fitness-minded as me (ha)! So anyway, he didn't make me do anymore of them.  He was probably worried that I would pass out right there on the table in front of all his other clients...not real good for business.  He instructed me to continue working on that in my home program (yeah - I'll get right on that!).

You see, I HATE to exercise. I've been successfully avoiding it my entire life with my justifying self-talk:  It's just not my thing...There's sweating involved...I'm not that coordinated...I lack the discipline to make it a habit, so what's the point...I don't look good in work out clothes...My motto is "never run unless being chased..."

But I have a confession to make. At the beginning of 2011 I prayed a prayer asking God to help me lose 40 lbs by the time I turned 40. In my head I named this my 40x40 prayer. I prayed for it, more than once actually, and then I did nothing about it. This is a confession because I never told anybody about my 40x40 prayer. Probably because if I had, I would have had to actually do something about it. And let's face it...I really didn't want to put forth the effort. I know I'm never going to look like a SI swimsuit model, so why bother?  By not telling anyone, there was no one to hold me accountable. But guess what?...I told God and He's holding me accountable.  Here's what He's been saying to me:

Kim, it's time to wake up.  If somebody was in fact chasing you, you wouldn't have a snowball's chance of outrunning them, even before you hurt your knee. And you know what else...you don't look good in workout clothes because you never workout! And another thing...you don't hate to exercise, you've never even given it a chance.  You've just been believing the devil for most of your life that you will never be physically fit.  It's time to stop listening to those lies and start believing me!

Well when it comes to excercising I've been really good at ignoring Him.  He's been whispering to me for a long time.  I think that's why I prayed 40x40 in the first place.  But the louder He spoke the more I closed my ears until "SNAP!" (that was my knee) I could no longer ignore Him.  Not if I wanted to walk normally again anyway.

Have you ever seen the movie Evan Almighty? (click here to see the clip) It's really cute. Anyway, in it Morgan Freeman plays God and he's talking to Evan's wife (she doesn't know that he's God) and he says:

"Let me ask you something.  If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?  If they pray for courage, does God give them courage or the opportunity to be courageous?  If someone prayed for their family to be closer (which she did), do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them the opportunity to love each other?"

If someone prays to lose 40x40, do you think He zaps them with immediate weight loss, or does He give them the opportunity to work out?  Or in my case "force" them to start working out!  See, He really did answer my prayer.  Not the way that I wanted - SHOCKER!  But the only way He could get my attention.  He allowed my freak knee accident to occur.  Which in hindsight really isn't freaky at all.

It's no coincidence that I hurt my knee doing absolutely nothing.  Now there's no logical explantion.  Nothing I can blame it on other than myself.  It's not like I was skiing and can just decide I'm not going to ski anymore.  I can't just decide that I'm never going to stand in my kitchen again.  And it's no coincidence that it happened the day after my 40th birthday party, a week before my actual birthday, DURING my first bible study group get-together. Because of these circumstances surrounding the accident I will forever associate my injury with my 40x40 prayer.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't think God is punishing me. I think He is loving me! Loving me by revealing the lies that I've been believing all these years. Loving me by changing my heart and my mind about the importance of exercise and being healthy.   I now believe that the accident is actually the answer to my prayer (be careful what you wish for right!). 

Much to my surprise, I actually look forward to going to PT because I actually feel stronger after every session.  It doesn't matter that when I leave I haven't lost a pound. What matters is that I am getting stronger. I am amazed at how quickly my body responds when I consistently put forth a little effort.  My knee feels better. I feel better. This is a feeling I want to chase for the rest of my life, and with the focus being shifted from that of weight loss to actually feeling strong, I think I finally have the motivation to do it.

The following verse has taken on a whole new meaning for me:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses [my new bible study friends] to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down [literally], especially the sin that so easily trips us up [and lays us flat on our kitchen floor]. And let us run with endurance [remember my old motto towards running] the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)

God wants to answer my prayer because He wants me to be healthy so that I can run the race that He's set before me. I'm going to continue down this path.  It's not too late.  I've still got 9 months to be 40.  And even if I'm not 40 lbs lighter I'll probably be 40x's stronger!  It's no longer a quest to be skinny (which obviously was not a very motivating factor since I'd already deemed it impossible), but a quest to be healthy...whatever that looks like!  Thank you God for convicting me! 

Chasing the Wind

“Dear God,
Please don’t let me have lost it! Oh God, please, please, please…! If it’s gone I’m sure there’s a way to fix it, but when? How long will that take? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about it. I need it NOW! Please help me find it! I’m pretty sure I stuck it in my purse. Where could it be? It’s so windy! If it blew out it must be long gone. Oh Dear God PLEASE help me find it! – Amen”

Well in honor of the upcoming tax season I thought I’d share a little story of the time I lost my tax return check. My daughter was a little over a year old and I had quit my job nine months prior to stay home with her, practically cutting our household income in half. Needless to say we REALLY needed that check. Back then, we didn’t understand that it was not really a good thing to get a tax return. A return just means that we overpaid the government and let them use our money all year interest-free. But that’s beside the point…back then it seemed like the best plan ever! We could live for the next 3 months on that check alone. We praised ourselves for being so smart with our finances!

So, excited to have gotten the check (this was before electronic filing came into fashion – praise God for that), I tucked it into the back pocket of my purse, gathered up the baby and all of the necessary accompanying gear, and set out to run some errands – first stop being to deposit that check. With everyone and everything safely and securely packed in the car, I turned to battle the wind managing to get myself seated behind the steering wheel just as the wind slammed the car door closed behind me. If you live in Oklahoma you know exactly what I’m talking about! You could easily lose a leg if you’re not careful! I flung my purse into the passenger seat and went to grab the check to get it ready – but where was it?

I’m pretty sure I stuck it in here…(Frantically digging through my purse)…What if it blew out?...That would have been at least 5 minutes ago…In this wind it’s long gone…(Panic starts to set in)…Maybe I left it in the house.

I went back into the house quickly running through and looking everywhere that I thought I might have left it. It was nowhere to be found.

I ran back outside. The wind was blowing hard out of the north so I strained to see as far south as I could, looking for a piece of paper blowing down the street…nothing! It was gone. There was no way that the wind hadn’t already blown it into oblivion. What was I going to do? Call the IRS and ask them to issue another one – ha! I’m sure that’s an easy process! Not to mention that I needed that money like yesterday! That’s when I started to pray - that kind of panicked, urgent prayer that I only remember praying a few other times in my life. What should I do? Drive down the street to look for it? I had walked a couple houses past my house trying to see if I could see it. I turned around to head back to my car (yes, my baby was in there by herself, but don’t worry, the car wasn’t running and I wasn’t that far away). At that moment I noticed a piece of paper plastered to the south side of my house. My heart skipped a beat. Could it be my check? Oh please God, let that be my check. But as I got closer I had my doubts. The wind was blowing toward the south away from that side of my house. How could it have ended up there? I started to run toward the paper anyway, because chances were it wouldn’t stay put for long. As I entered into the area between mine and my neighbor’s house I experienced a small vortex of wind. A-ha! The wind was getting trapped between our houses and gusting toward the north…could it be?! I grabbed the paper, held my breath, and turned it over – JACKPOT!  It WAS my check! Hallelujah – Praise God – literally! I cried with relief and climbed back into the car, check tightly gripped in my hand all the way to the bank.

Now you may be thinking that this is really no big deal, not exactly an awe inspiring testimony. It’s perfectly natural that the check would be caught up in a vortex and blown against the side of my house, but trust me, this was a supernatural event! God intervened on my behalf. I had been relying on that money, relying on the government to provide that money. This was His way of getting my attention to remind me that I should only be relying on Him. He provides for all my needs. That money wasn’t a gift from the government. They were just returning what was mine. Actually it wasn’t even really mine, it was God’s. He was entrusting me with His riches, reminding me that it came from Him and it could be taken away just as easily as it was given. Thankfully, He blessed me with mercy that day and allowed me to keep it.

I believe that God has been prompting me to share this story with you for several reasons. First, it’s tax season again, so it’s timely. Second, He recently showed me this passage from His word: “But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.” (Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV), reminding me that it is He who gives us the “ability” to earn money. He deserves all the glory for every penny we have!

And lastly, a few days ago I was waiting for my now 9-year old daughter to get home from school. It was very windy out, much like the day my check blew away. My 3-year old son came running to me exclaiming:

“Sissy’s home! Sissy’s home! She’s tryin ta get sumpin (something).”

I looked out the window and couldn’t see her. Where was she? I knew her bus had already come. Then I saw her, bent down in front of our brick mailbox, apparently trying to pick up the mail that she’d dropped. I opened the door and walked toward her, asking if she needed help. She was crying…balling actually. She had dropped the mail and the wind had picked up a piece and was blowing it down the street. She had her hands and feet frantically stepping on all of the rest of the mail trying to keep it from also blowing away. I gathered up the mail freeing her to chase down the piece that had gotten away. Turns out it was just junk mail, but she didn’t know that. To her, it could have been the most important piece of mail in the world. I knew exactly how she felt. I had wanted to cry too when I thought my check was blowing down the street all those years ago. As I watched her chase after that mail it struck me, God was using the memory of that incident to once again remind me that we need to rely solely on Him…otherwise we’re just chasing the wind!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

“Dear God,
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen
P.S. Please keep those little devils locked tightly in my closet…Amen!

This is the prayer of a five-ish year old little girl, that girl being me. I have said this prayer every night for as long as I can remember. My mom taught it to me and we would always say it together (not the “P.S.” part). I know this prayer has stirred some controversy as to whether it is too scary for children, and that it’s been revised to make it more kid-friendly, but I’ve always liked the original. I don’t remember ever thinking it was scary. I always found it comforting (and still do) to think that God was watching over me as I slept and even if something should happen, and I never woke, I took comfort in the fact that I would be with Him.

So why did I add the “P.S.” about the devils if I wasn’t scared? Well I was scared, but not because of the prayer. To be real honest, I’m not certain that I actually added that to my prayer…I mean that was almost 35 years ago so it’s a little fuzzy around the edges. But here’s what I do remember quite clearly:

I was lying in my bed, in a room that I shared with my baby brother. I thought I saw something moving under his crib and when I sat up to look, two little cartoonish looking devils, complete with horns and pitchforks, crawled out from underneath it. They didn’t say anything, just laughed demonically as they pulled me from my bed and led me toward the closet. The door was open (hadn’t mom closed that before she tucked me in?!) and all I could see through the opening was darkness engulfed in flames (I knew it! – the closet WAS in fact the gateway to hell!). The two little devils walked ahead of me, still pulling me by my hand. I could hear them whispering, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Just as I was about to panic I heard the command,

“Look down!” in a very clear voice.

When I looked down there was a rock, like a river rock, on the floor. I reached down and picked it up with my free hand. Instinctively, I knew what to do with it. I slipped it into the devil’s hand that held mine. Success! He didn’t even know that I’d escaped. I stood there and watched as the two little devils entered my inferno of a closet and the door slammed shut behind them, securely locking them away. In the dark, I stood there relieved, knowing that God was right there with me. It was His voice that I had heard. He saved me, protected me - my soul, that night, I would keep!

You’ve no doubt already figured out that I had a bad dream – well sort of a nightmare-turned-most wonderfully significant dream of my life. I’m sure that some of you are skeptical that I can even remember a dream from so long ago, but let me assure you – I do! Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I have an EXCELLENT memory (keep your Rain Man jokes to yourself please). Not a photographic memory and I’m terrible with remembering numbers, but a very detailed, situational memory. I think it’s because I really try to live in a moment and pay great attention to all of the sensory details. Also, growing up we moved every couple of years, so it’s fairly easy to remember things based on where I was, allowing me to pinpoint the time period pretty accurately.

I know that I was about 5 because we lived in Saudi Arabia from when I was 3-6 in a tiny 2-bedroom complex where I had to share a room with my brother. I was 4 when he was born, and I’m sure that both he and my parents would like for you to know that we did come back to the States and stay with my grandparents in Illinois so that he would be born in the good ol’ U.S. of A.! Anyway, that’s why I’m guessing I was close to five, because the dream took place in that room at the same time I was actually living there. The dream was so real that I don’t even remember when I crossed over from being asleep to awake. I just know that I was awake in that room, closet door closed, knowing that God was with me. I wasn’t scared in that moment, but to this day I cannot go to sleep without closing the closet doors! And I always make sure my kids closet doors are shut tight too! Practically every time I go through this ritual I remember my dream and how it was my first real introduction to God as my Savior.

I am not trying to claim that I understood the meaning or symbolism of this dream at such a young age, just that I knew God was real and He was (and still is) looking out for me. I attended a Christian Pre-School while living in Saudi Arabia, so I’m sure those story-time teachings with the characters on the felt board had their influence on me. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts you’ve probably figured out that going to church and reading the bible are relatively new to me. In fact I just did my first bible study a few months ago. So imagine my overwhelming surprise when I came across this little jewel:

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2 NLT

I know, pretty amazing right?! And there are so many other passages like this in the bible that I can’t even begin to list them all. I am so blown away every time I come across one. After all these years my dream finally makes sense.  I always knew that I had heard God and felt His presence in my dream, but I never thought I actually saw Him, until now…He was the ROCK!!!
 
God is SO awesome that He came to me in a dream when I was five years old, to save me from my spiritual enemy (or in this case - little cartoon minions), and to show me, literally, that He is my rock, my solid foundation! That’s how much God loves me, and He wants me to tell you that He loves you just as much! Amen for that!

It's Time to Say Grace!

“Dear God,
Thank you for providing us with this beautiful meal. And thank you for all of our family and friends, especially those here at this table and also those that could not be with us today. Thank you for loving us and blessing us. And thank you so much for sending us your one and only son so that we may live these extraordinary lives. It is in His name we pray – Amen!”

At least that’s how I remember it. It was short and sweet, not the most eloquent prayer ever, but nonetheless the best one I’ve ever delivered. You see, yesterday (Nov. 25, 2010) was Thanksgiving and it’s the first time in all my 39 years that I’ve ever said grace or even prayed out loud, alone, in front of a group of people. Some of you may be shocked by this because you pray out loud for people all the time. It just comes naturally to you, almost like breathing. Well let me clue you in on the fact that there is a whole other group of people out there, Christ followers even like me that break out in a cold sweat just at the thought of praying out loud!

If you haven’t figured out from my blog yet, I pray by myself all the time. It’s like I have this on-going conversation with God all day long. From when I wake in the morning to when I go to bed at night. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not implying that I am a perfect pray-er, far from it, and some days I’m better than others. But even though I talk to Him a lot, I often forget to actually consult Him first – duh! Or I start talking to Him when I need something – sound familiar? But for the most part I feel like He is my best friend that I can share with at anytime. I mean I might as well right? He knows what I’m thinking and feeling anyway so I might as well purposely include Him in my internal dialogue. I know when I do it always helps me keep a clear head and make the best decisions possible.

So my point to all of this is that it may seem strange that I’ve never prayed out loud in front of others even to say grace. I guess I feel like my relationship with God is very personal and I’m very protective of it. I don’t really want to include others in it. Kind of like when you’re a teenager (immature) and you don’t want your best friend to have any other friends besides you. But as I’ve become a more “mature” Christian I’ve realized that God wants me to share this special relationship because it is available to everyone. And unlike our earthly relationships, He is capable of being there for all us, one-on-one, anytime, anywhere, for as long as we want. After all He is God – I mean He only created us!

So when I woke up yesterday morning I started praying about something, totally unrelated to Thanksgiving, that’s set to happen next week and I’ve been worrying about it. I don’t like to worry, so I usually just take it to God to release me of it. He has this awesome way of giving me peace. So as I’m praying about it, out of the blue He just tells me that I need to say grace today at lunch.

What?! Where’d that come from? We’re talking about next week! Not today’s meal…I’m not worried about today.

But therein lies the beauty of the situation, I stopped worrying about next week, because I was now worried about what I was going to say today at grace!  Ha – what a sense of humor our God has. But I actually didn’t worry about it too much because once I got out of bed I was busy preparing for the meal up to the time. So I obeyed Him and I said it and I don’t think anyone even blinked an eye over it. I’m probably the only one who felt the least bit uncomfortable about it, with the exception of my daughter who leaned over and whispered to me,

“What did you just do?”

“I prayed!” I hissed back, embarrassed that she didn’t even recognize what I was doing.

“Oh” she said, “I didn’t do it.” Probably because her mind was so busy trying to figure out what had come over her mother!

So the real moral of the story is that I did it and I’m glad because EVERY time I obey God it benefits me - maybe not immediately, but eventually. In this case I believe I got the immediate satisfaction about not worrying about next week. It’s useless anyway, just like the bible says:

Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:34 NLT)

So today I woke up thinking about how profound the whole situation had been and again He called me to action. He told me to blog about it and share my story with you all! I believe the lesson here is to always be thankful and obey God (which is something that He constantly has to remind me)! He knows what’s best for us! It’s been a wonderful Thanksgiving, I hope for you all as well! – Thank you God for everything!

Forgive My Fear

“Dear God,
Thank you so much for all of the blessings that you give to me and my family. Please forgive me for my guilt, my fear, my lack of faith. Please forgive me because I’m grateful that it didn’t happen to me!”

This is probably not going to be my greatest post of all time, mostly because I don’t even want to write it. I just want to stop thinking about it - It being death. But I can’t and I won’t be able to move on to the next post (something I actually want to think about) until I’ve gotten this one out of my head and off of my heart. So here it goes…

This has probably been the worst summer ever. Not for me, but for a lot of people I know. I know 3 people that have died this summer, 3 unrelated, individual deaths. I did not know any of them on a real personal level, not even well enough to attend their funerals. But I am close to some of the people they left behind and it is those people, their loved ones that I can’t get off my mind. They are the ones that I pray for. They are the ones my heart breaks for. They are the ones that have been occupying the space in mind that is prone to worry and ponder. How will they go on? How will they pick themselves up and continue to live life?

So as I pay my respect to the following dearly departed, I also pray for their loved ones that have been left behind, shattered - People whom I also love.

A 13-year old boy. My friend’s grandson, killed in an ATV accident on Memorial weekend. I don’t know the rest of the family at all, but I know he left behind his mom and dad and 16-year old sister. I can’t stop thinking about what I would have done had I lost my little brother when I was only 16. My heart especially breaks for her.

A dad. A grandpa. My close friend’s father-in-law, killed by an inoperable brain tumor. His first symptoms and diagnosis at the beginning of June. Gone before August. I do not know my friend’s husband well, but my heart goes out to him. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to lose a parent, especially when you are close like they were - Like me and my parents are.

A husband. A young dad – 35. My brother’s best friend’s brother, killed in a medical helicopter accident. He was a flight nurse on his way to save someone else. He died tragically, yet honorably. My brother grew up with both of them and they were only one year apart. They continued to be friends until this day. My brother was with his friend, fishing, when his parents called to let him know about the accident. Again, I’m not close to the young man’s family, but I am close to my brother, and he is hurting. What if that happened to my best friend…my brother, my husband, my son?

I know that all 3 are in a far better place, finally free of their earthly shackles. It is all of those who loved them, left behind, that I now pray for. I have lifted them up in prayer what seems like a hundred times. But it doesn’t matter how many times I do it, it won’t change what happened. I wish it would. And I feel guilty because while I mean what I’m praying for them, I can’t stop thinking, “I’m glad it isn’t me”! And then I enter a downward shame spiral over the fact that that’s what I’m thinking! Only then the guilt turns to fear, because I know that someday it is going to be me. Someday I will be the one to suffer the unthinkable loss. My world shattered. My daily existence, the core of my being, altered forever. And someday I will be the one to die, shattering and altering my loved ones forever. It is a thought which I can hardly stand. And I’m left with the inevitable truth that it doesn’t matter how blessed I am, how grateful I am, how sinful I am, how obedient I am. How fat or thin I am, how rich or poor I am. Death is an inescapable part of life and we will all be touched by it.

I have experienced death of a love one before, but never of the same magnitude as these 3 - Never a parent, a child, a brother, a close friend. In that way I have lived such a blessed life. I should thank God for that everyday, but sometimes I’m afraid, like if I actually start thanking Him I might call attention to the fact that I have never really experienced anything that life-shattering. I know that I do not deserve to escape such loss anymore than anyone else. If I remind God of this by thanking Him, maybe He will then decide it is my due. I know that is silly. God already knows exactly what I have and have not experienced and what I will experience in the future. I know He loves me and all of His children. I know that He has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). But still, sometimes the silly side of me wins.

So how do you deal with the truth of death once you’ve admitted it or actually experienced it? The only way I know of is to turn to God. To have faith that He has prepared a home for us infinitely better than this life. A home where God and all of our loved ones await our arrival for the greatest reunion of all time!

“Until then God, I humbly ask you to forgive me for the guilt, shame, and fear I have about death and will no doubt continue to have all the rest of my days. And as I know that you have already forgiven me, I too forgive you for the loss I will someday have to face. I have faith that whatever that loss looks like or feels like; I will be able to endure with you by my side. Thank you God for not giving me a spirit of fear; but one of power, and love, and of a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7).”

“I also want to especially pray that you continue to comfort and heal the hearts of those suffering the loss of Nick, Art, and Ryan! May they Rest in Peace! It is in Jesus name that I pray for them all – Amen!”

24 Hour Turnaround

“Dear God,
Please let something good happen to Tricia today! I woke up thinking (worrying) about her. She’s not doing so great. She’s been so faithful and patient throughout this trial and it just seems like one bad thing after another. I get the feeling that both her patience and her faith are starting to wane. Please give her something, ANYthing that will renew her strength and peace. Something that could only be from You. By no means am I trying to tell you how to do your job, but could you please make it today? She could really use a boost! Thank you for loving us! – Amen!”

If you’ve read my 1st post ever (Jan 2010) you know that Tricia is my best friend of 25 years. You also know that she went through a divorce and a month after finalizing that she was downsized from her job as a pharmaceutical rep. It was a conversation that we had that prompted me start this blog. If you haven’t already read that 1st post I encourage you to do so now. This is the follow-up.

I said the above prayer before getting out of bed one morning. At the time Tricia had been out of work for almost a year and the stress was really starting to get her down. Leads on jobs were few and far between. I wanted to call her right away to check on how she was doing, but thought I should probably give God at least a little time to work His magic. About 3 hours later my phone rang and it was her. I was just sure she was calling me with some good news. Even if it was just to say that she was in better spirits – I would consider that a prayer answered. So I picked up the phone…

“Hellooo…?” I said with anticipation.

“Oh my gosh! You’re never going to believe what happened to me!”

“What?” I asked, thinking this was going to be good!

“I went to take a bath this morning and when the tub was full I went to turn off the water but it wouldn’t turn off! It just kept running and running and I had to unplug the tub so that it wouldn’t overflow. Can you believe that? I mean how much worse can things get? There’s a plumber here right now trying to fix it.”

“Well…is he at least cute?” I asked trying to figure out an angle as to how this situation could be used for good.

“NO he’s not cute! Doesn’t the phrase ‘plumber’s crack’ mean anything to you? Plus it’s still early and he already smells like a sewer!”

At that we both burst out laughing! I mean seriously how much worse could it get?! By this point it was just comical! And then to add to the humor of it all, I told her about the prayer I’d said for her that morning (more laughter). As we tried to recover from our giggling she did manage to say that maybe I should keep my prayers to myself. Either that or be much more specific about what I wanted for her! Then she asked if she could call me back because the plumber needed to speak with her.

“OK” I said, “just breathe through your mouth!” – more giggles!

When she called back she was in much better spirits because not only had the plumber fixed the problem but he also fixed the leak that she’d had prior, and he did it all for under $200. We thought that was pretty good considering that it was an emergency call and she’d gotten more than she’d bargained for. So maybe that was the good thing. Or maybe this was a blessing in disguise because the weathermen were all predicting a severe snow/ice storm 100% to be moving in the next day. What if her faucet broke during that time? That would really be bad!

After we hung up I felt relieved that we had been able to find some humor in the moment and that it actually did turn out in her favor. I thanked God for that and went about my day. At about 4:00 that afternoon Tricia called again,

“Hellooo…?”

“Oh my gosh! You’re never going to believe what just happened to me!”

“Oh no”, I thought, “What now?”

“I just got a call from a friend of mine about a lead on a pharmaceutical position. He knows the hiring manager really well and can put in a good word for me, but I also know the hiring manager because he used to work for the same company as me, and the job sounds perfect! How’s that for something good happening to me today?”

“That’s awesome!” I replied.

“From now on I’m just going to send you a list everyday and I expect you to get busy praying since you seem to have a 24-hour turnaround!”

Tricia did in fact get that job and I take FULL credit (just kidding)! It was all her (with God of course!) and it wasn’t easy. It’s a really competitive environment to begin with, but right now there are a lot of talented, quality people out there looking for work. She went through several rounds of interviews and even came down with laryngitis on one of the most crucial days. But she had God’s favor and He proved that He can overcome ALL obstacles! He always provides exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!

As far as my “24 hour prayer turnaround” goes, she’s absolutely right! I am blessed with a direct line to God, but guess what? – so is she and so are you. I’m not saying that God always answers prayers exactly the way we want Him to, or even when we want Him to. But I know for certain that the moment we pray to Him (probably even before that), He starts working on the BEST solution for us, and only He knows what that is. We just have to have faith that He’s going to deliver the absolute greatest outcome with His own perfect timing. Often, this is a tough lesson in patience, but always worth the wait! I just got lucky with this particular prayer in that it happened to line up with His perfect will!

I recently asked Tricia if she felt like she had that one BIG testimony now. Her answer as I expected was “no”, but only because she came to realize that it isn’t really about that one BIG event. She feels like her particular testimony is more about her “time in the wilderness” as she calls it (referencing Matthew 4:1, KJV/ NLT), where she learned to be faithful, obedient, patient, and trusting of God. Her testimony is more about the journey, than a single event. It was a time in her life, that strange as it may seem, she will cherish forever as one of the best! The job was just the cherry on top! Amen for that!

God Bless This House

“Dear God,
Bless this house oh Lord I pray, keep it safe by night and day” – Amen

I added this prayer to my repertoire when I was a young teenager. I spent a few weeks every summer with my grandparents and my grandma had a set of coasters with prayers printed on them. For some reason this one stuck with me. Maybe because it was so easy to remember – short, straight to the point, and it rhymed! I’ve been reciting it almost daily since then. It also comes in handy during Oklahoma storm season when we are huddled in our under-stair closet/shelter (with our bike helmets on via Gary England’s recommendation), praying that the tornado doesn’t get us or our house. So far, so good!

I believe wholeheartedly in this prayer. I’m positive that it has kept us safe on many occasions and that there have been more close-calls than I’ll ever even know about. But last week I witnessed this prayer in action. Oklahoma City experienced its rainiest day in history! There was flooding like you wouldn’t believe and we were all advised to stay put and NOT to drive around in it. There were pictures on the news within a mile of my house showing mini-vans and SUVs submerged in water with only their roofs visible. It was CRAZY to say the least!!!

I went upstairs to look out my daughter’s window to see how much rain was gushing down our street. When I moved her curtains aside I was immediately hit in the face by dripping water. The rain was coming down so hard, so fast, and at just the right angle that it had found its way inside through the attic vent above her window. We had experienced this same leak shortly after moving in 3 years ago, but we’d had it “fixed” under our limited warranty. Well it obviously was NOT fixed, but this was the first time since then that it rained just the right way to find that leak again. I taped some plastic sheeting to the window to direct the water flow over the wood window sill and onto some towels that I placed on top of 2 large baking sheets to keep the carpet dry. Pretty smart I know, but it was actually my husband’s idea. He wasn’t home to do it himself, which I know just killed him because he thrives on being the Fixer of all things. He of course had driven to work because the laws of nature do not apply to him! :-) Anyway, after all that, I said a quick prayer for the rain to stop and to minimize the damage. The rain eventually slowed down and so did the dripping. I’d heard reports of a neighborhood less than ½-mile from mine where almost all the houses were flooded. I was feeling very fortunate that all we’d had was a leak which could be fixed – Praise God!

Later that afternoon we were still experiencing thunderstorms but the crazy rain subsided and the dripping had stopped. My kids were both upstairs. Rylin was playing on the computer right outside her room and JD was taking a nap. I was downstairs in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher when there was the loudest clap of thunder I’ve ever heard. I jumped so high I’m surprised that I didn’t drop a dish! The power flickered on and off and I realized that there had been some sort of explosion accompanying that thunder. It was quiet – TOO quiet! Why weren’t the kids screaming like they normally would at thunder alone? I started running up the stairs.

“Rylin?...” I yelled nervously.

“Yeah?...Mommy, what was that?” I heard in a small, scared little voice. Relief washed through me! She was okay!

“I’m not sure baby. Did you hear an explosion too?”

“Yes!  And I saw sparks out the window”.

Sparks! Uh oh, not good! I looked in her room and the window header that had been leaking was now hanging down and there was a sort of foggy haze floating around her room accompanied by a sick, burnt smell. I immediately went to gather my son, still in his sleepy daze. We hurriedly started down the stairs.

“Rylin go get your shoes on, quick!” I said while I went to get our puppy and put her in the backyard for the moment.

“Why? What happened? Why are you acting like that?”

“I think our house was struck by lightning!”

I dialed 911 and looked out the window to see if I could see anything. A fascia board from the top of the house was now in my front yard along with bits of brick. Oh my! The fireman told me they’d be there in a couple of minutes and to wait for them by the front door. I figured this was so we could make a quick escape if there was a fire, so I decided to strap the kids in the minivan and wait with the garage door opened. The firemen arrived right before I was headed to get the puppy from the backyard to load her into her car crate. I never had to because thank Heaven there was no fire. One fireman did tell me though that the lightning had struck the roof peak over the window and then probably traveled down through the water that had pooled at the leak, which then blew out that header and exploded through one of Rylin’s wall outlets in her built-in cabinet. He opened the white cabinet door to show me. The inside was completely black. Then another fireman who was up in the attic said,

“Hey man, you gotta come check this out! It’s pretty cool!”

Somehow I don’t think the words “pretty cool” would be how I would describe anything concerning this event – “horrific” maybe, “terrifying” perhaps! But I know he deals with scary, life-threatening situations all the time, so if it’s just “pretty cool” to him, I know I lucked out!

So today I’m definitely counting my blessings. It was a mass of melted wires and some 2x4’s that had been completely blown in half. But it’s all totally repairable and covered by insurance (minus a deductible of course). All the electrical has been fixed and checked to make sure it will not start a fire. The air-conditioner and the cable are back in working order (yeah! – two summer necessities when it’s this HOT outside!), and most importantly, nobody was hurt!

In the midst of the firemen being here, I went to check on the kids (remember - buckled in the mini-van?) and Rylin says,

“Your phone was ringing so I answered it. It was Daddy but I told him you couldn’t talk right now because you were with the firemen because the house had been struck by lightning. He said he’s coming home right now”.

Haha! She was so matter-of-fact. Poor Jace! His second opportunity in a day to manage a crisis and he’d missed it! Not really though, I packed up the kids and bunked at mom’s for 2 days and just let him go at it. He was in his element dealing with the aftermath. Oh, I need to count him as another blessing! I’ve lost count of what number that is! And one more for the list…since the lightning occurred in and damaged the exact same area where the leak was, it will be fixed in the process as well! Coincidence?...I don’t think so! It’s the power of prayer baby!

Thank you for blessing this house (Oh Lord I pray)! Please (continue to) keep it safe by night and day!!! - Amen

God Give Me the Eyes to See

“OK God – here it goes…
Please heal my eyes! I’m 34 years old and starting to feel like I look all of it. When I started wearing glasses at age 26 I liked them because they made me look older (and oh so much wiser)…now I hate them because they make me look older! I also hate to wear contacts because they really bother me and I do not have the money for laser eye-surgery. So I’m boldly asking you to miraculously heal me or help me find the money for the surgery – something, anything so that I can ditch these glasses and start to feel attractive again. Thank you in advance and I pray to have a blessed week! – Amen”

Yes, I am fully aware of how preposterous this prayer sounds. I was fully aware of it when I prayed it. But here’s the thing – I had just finished reading a book called The Blessing of Favor, by Kate McVeigh, and it was a real eye-opener (pardon the pun). Up to this point I’d always known that God loves me, provides for me, and looks out for my best interest. What I did not know was that I had been limiting God’s presence in my life by only praying about what I considered to be the major things – like family, health, relationships, finances, etc. In this book I was shown that God wants to be present in ALL things in your life, even the silly and seemingly insignificant. If you think about it, what kind of message are we sending to God by not involving Him in everything? Am I really showing Faith that He will deliver on the BIG things if I do not even trust Him with the little things?

I used to feel guilty about bothering God with my petty little problems, especially when compared to the atrocities of this world; I’ve got it pretty darn good! I used to think that God doesn’t have time for this. He has much bigger problems to handle. Not to mention that I didn’t want to seem unappreciative of the wonderful life that I lead. But this book revealed to me a simple truth:

If it is important to me, then it is important to Him!

What I wasn’t accounting for is that God is much, much bigger than this world and all of its problems. My relationship with Him is personal and there is enough of Him to go around to everyone! I was unknowingly diminishing Him by not acknowledging His almighty power and His desire for intimacy with each and every one of us. The book challenged us to give it all to God, even the little things. If we feel that we need or even just want something – Ask! You know the old adage, “Ask and you shall receive” (And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive - Matthew 21:22 NKJV).

So therein lay my problem…not only did I have to get over feeling like a narcissistic brat to ask such a thing, but I also had to believe that I would receive it. You just saw my prayer; I was having a hard time believing that some miracle was going to be provided to heal my eyes. But in order to really put this so-called-truth to the test, I had to come up with something that was important to me, yet rather trivial to the world, and it had to be something absurd enough that if it came to pass the only explanation would be God!

I prayed that prayer on a Saturday night. When I awoke on Sunday my eyes were miraculously healed – just kidding! Nothing had changed. My vision was exactly the same, so I put on my glasses and went about my morning. I decided to go to the bookstore, so I packed up my then 4 year old daughter and headed off. When I pulled into the parking lot I realized that I did not have on a stitch of make-up, zip, zero, zilch! You have to understand, I NEVER go anywhere without at least some concealer, mascara, and lip gloss. Even then I usually don’t plan to get out of the car. Ugh! I’m still not sure how I could have forgotten this fact, especially considering how unattractive I’d been feeling lately anyway because of the whole glasses issue!

But I was already there and still feeling pretty vain about the prayer I’d had the audacity to pray. So I decided to make it a quick in-and-out. That was forgetful mistake #2; nothing is quick when you’re hauling around a 4 year old! I was done with my business in less than 5 minutes, but my daughter had spotted the toy train set-up and protested very loudly when I tried to breeze on past it without so much as a glance. Not wanting to call any unnecessary attention to my unmade-up self, I stopped for a minute to let her play.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone approaching me with a look of recognition on her face…"Of course!” I thought, “Someone I know has spotted me”. But as she approached, clearly to speak to me, I realized that I did not know her. This very pretty young woman walked right up to me and very purposefully and directly said:

“You have a beautiful daughter.” Okaaay – not the first time I’d ever heard this…

“Thank you”, I said, somewhat creeped out by her intense eye-to-eye contact. But it’s what she said next that sent a shiver down my spine:

“And you look really pretty in your glasses.”

Whaaaaat?! Who says stuff like that to complete strangers? Not only did I NOT look pretty that day…but why would you add “in your glasses”?! I was so shocked by her words that I only half caught what she said next,

“I was Miss Teen something or other…back in 19…, and I know pretty!”

I’m not sure if I even thanked her in that moment. I’m fairly certain I was speechless. But just as quickly as she’d approached me, she turned to leave, adding as she walked away:

“Have a blessed week!”

I know!!! To say that I was stunned would be an understatement! I have no doubt that God spoke directly to me through this woman. The reason it was SO amazing and that I know 100% that it was God is because she used the exact words that I’d used in my prayer, and He was the only one who’d heard them. I believe God was just letting me know that what is important to me IS most definitely important to Him. And although He didn’t answer my prayer exactly the way I’d hoped, He definitely let me know that He was listening and He cared! He may not have healed my eyes, but He healed my heart. He let me know that I was beautiful in His eyes, and that’s all that matters. Since that day I’ve never cared about wearing my glasses. In fact, I wear them proudly!