The Interior Designer I Almost Wasn't

"Dear God,
I don't know what to do.  I thought I was on the right path.  I thought I finally came across something that I'm interested in that I might be good at.  But now it looks hopeless.  Let's face it, we both know that I'm not an artist.  In fact, I'm not anything.  Why haven't you blessed me with any real talent?  Why am I always just average?  I'm running out of time...I have to declare a major and soon!  Please don't let me end up with a boring undefined major, dooming me forever to a life of average.  Is that really what you want for me?"

Yeah, I prayed it.  After running home crying and throwing myself dramatically onto my bed.  And yeah, it was a serious moment of spectacular self pity.  It makes me laugh to think about it now!  In fact I think I heard God chuckling a little too when he answered me.

It was Fall 1992, my sophomore year of college and I still hadn't declared a major.  My dad was often suggesting that I should be an Engineer because "they make good money right out of college", but I never liked math, even though I was pretty good at it.  I probably should have been flattered that he thought I was smart enough to be an engineer, but all it made me think was that I didn't possess any real talent to do something, ANYthing else.  Something exciting.  Something glamorous.

Most of my friends knew what they wanted to be, lawyers, medical professionals, teachers, politicians...none of which interested me.  Which added to my stress because now I was thinking not only am I not talented, but I'm not interesting either.  In order to be interesting you have to be interested - right?!

At the time, I was living in the sorority house (Yes I know...this is just one example of how absurd it was for me to think my life was just "average").  Anyway, my soon-to-be Lil Sis, a freshman who had already declared her major, was always creating these cool projects for her studio class.  When I asked, she told me she was an Interior Design major.

"Really?" I said, thinking that my mom was really good at decorating and she never went to school for it.  "I didn't know you could major in decorating."

"Oh, interior design is NOT decorating," she quickly informed me.  "It's really more like architecture.  It's even part of the College of Architecture and my studio classes are combined with the architecture students - for the first two years anyway."

Wow!  This was starting to sound really cool, maybe even promising.  My wheels were cranking.  Maybe I could do this.  It was not Art.  It was not Math.  It was not Science.  It was not Boring.

I thought, "I can do this.  Afterall, I'm creative.  I mean just look at this C-U-T-E Lil Sis wall-board I just made, and how much I enjoyed making it.  And look at my dorm room last year.  It was pretty awesome...who else had purple spray painted concrete block shelving?!  Nobody!  And have you seen the fabulous bulletin board that I made (with mom's help)!"

So I got myself all psyched up and scheduled a meeting with the director of the Interior Design program.  And that's when my enthusiasm bubble burst.  This somewhat quirky lady was going on and on about how difficult the studio programs were.

You only got 5 credit hours for a class that actually met for 10.5 total hours a week.  And that didn't even include the extra time you would be working there to complete your projects for that class.  Nor did it include all of the other classes I would need to take.  And as if that weren't enough, there were 8 semesters of studio which had to be taken sequentially.  The odd numbered ones were always in the Fall, so I would have to wait until the next Fall to start.  Not only would I technically be a Junior in Freshman classes, but it would end up taking me six years to graduate because there was no way to catch up.

And on...and on...and on...!  And then to top it all off, she suggested that if I was really serious about this, I should enroll in an Art studio class next Spring.  It wasn't required in the Interior Design curriculum, but she "highly recommended it" so that I could experience what a studio class was really like before next fall.

ART!...Ugh!  That was my worst nightmare!  I mean I liked to look at art, but I couldn't draw worth a flip!  And to make it even worse, we would be drawing...NUDES!  I couldn't even draw good cartoon figures, let alone the real human anatomy!  Oh the horror of it all!  Now you see why I cried all the way home.

"God, it's too hard!  I'm not cut out for that!  I clearly don't have what it takes!  That lady, the director, did everything she could to discourage me.  She could obviously tell that I'm not up to the challenge!"

And then I felt God say to me (through His chuckling at my overblown, teen angst, pity-party):

"Why are you listening to her?  And why are you listening to anyone other than me?  I AM the only one you need to listen to and I say you can do this.  I made you to do this.  You have the right gifts, you just need to discover them.  Don't give up so quickly or you will miss out on all the good things I have planned for you.  Just listen to me and I will show you the way!"

Okay so I didn't actually "hear" those words, that's just what I felt.  I had this calming peace come over me and my attitude took a 180.  Forget that lady.  I'm smart and I'm a hard worker (when I want to be).  And I don't have to take an Art class if I don't want to.  She said it herself, it wasn't required.  I could just wait until next year and start then.

So that's what I did.  I ignored the Director's advice and the rest is history.  It did take me 6 years to graduate but I needed those extra years to finally discover that I was blessed with some talent.  I shutter to think of how my life would have gone had I not faced my fears and with God's help pursued my purpose.

Remember those architecture students that my Lil Sis mentioned?...I married one.  If I would have let my own negative thinking get the best of me I never would have met him, or some of my best friends to this day.  More importantly, I never would have met ME...the real me anyway!  And I wouldn't be living this abundantly blessed, extraordinary, anything BUT average life!

Interesting twist to the story...remember the director that almost talked me out of my destiny?  Well sadly, by the time I actually started the interior design program the next fall, she was no longer there.  She was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly after.  The program did not hire a permanent director until my senior year (actually 3rd senior year if you want to get technical).  One of her first tasks was to set up a design scholarship award in the name of the former director.  I was the first recipient of that award.  Ironic - I know!  It was definitely a full-circle moment.

So, the moral is, you know you're onto something when it seems too big and too scary to accomplish.  When you're seriously doubting if you're good enough.  You know you're on the right path because your spiritual enemy is coming after you with all he's got, trying to trip you up.  Whispering in your ear...

"What makes you think you're good enough, smart enough, talented enough...?  You'll never make it!  You don't have what it takes!..."  I've learned that you just have to tell him to go straight "home" and try to see yourself the way that God sees you - which is PERFECT!  He makes no mistakes.  You are His perfect creation and He has equipped you with everything you need to fulfill His purposes.  Trust Him!

This is something of which I continually have to remind myself, especially as I enter this new, exciting, and scary chapter of my life...once again it's time for me to step out in faith.  If you're curious, check out my new blog RevYourRoom.com.  I hope it speaks for itself...and to you!

Bless This House - AGAIN!!!

"Dear God,
Bless this house oh Lord I pray, keep it safe by night and day - Amen."

CRACK!  BOOM!  Foundation SHAKIN!  Dishes RATTLIN!  Power FLICKERIN! - all in a millisecond!

I sat straight up in bed and could hear myself making that sound.  You know that sound you make when you're surprised or scared.  That sounds like a really long "huh?" only you're inhaling instead of exhaling.

"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!?!?!?!"

My sound woke up Jace, "What?"

"Didn't you hear that?"

"It was thunder," he said trying to calm me down.

"No!  Didn't you HEAR that?  We were just struck by lightning!"

"It was just thunder and the power is out," he assured me as he hopped out of bed to check it out.

"No!  We were struck by lightning - AGAIN!"  I insisted, following him up the stairs.  Our daughter met us at the top.

"What was that?"  she asked in a scared voice.  I was having Déjà vu.

Jace headed towards the computer with the intent to silence its continuous screech, indicating that it was in a serious flatline.  I went and looked out my daughter's window.  Yep, there was debris in the yard - AGAIN!  And there was that sick, smoky, burnt smell - AGAIN!

"Jace, don't you smell that? And there's debris in the yard.  I'm telling you we were hit - AGAIN!"

He couldn't make the screeching stop.  Abandoning it, he went out to brave the storm and look for damage.

"Mommy..." my daughter says, "my tooth fell out!"

What?  I stopped my frantic pacing to look at her and process what she'd just said.  "You're tooth fell out?  When?"

"I just woke up because I felt it in my mouth and then I heard the thunder."

Ha ha!  I little comic relief right when I needed it.  Just then Jace came back inside.

"We were hit," he said.

"Really?!"  I knew it but I still had a hard time believing it.  Once you've heard the sound of lightning hitting your house you will NEVER forget it!  "In the same place?"

"Yep."

So for anyone who thinks "lightning never strikes twice", I've got bad news for you!  I'm living proof that it most definitely does.

When this happened last year I saw it as a blessing.  Nobody was hurt and everything could be fixed. I have no idea why God would allow this to happen - AGAIN, but He certainly has my attention.  This time I see it as an even bigger blessing.  God showed us that He is in charge and looking out for us - AGAIN!

Interesting little story though...the next morning I got up and the first thing I usually do is read my daily bible verse on YouVersion (the bible app for your phone).  Well, it wouldn't come up because our wi-fi was fried!  Ugh!  Of all days, I really needed some guidance, some encouragement, which I can always count on from God's word.  Then it hit me - Duh!  I can just read my real bible.  So it wouldn't be part of the reading plan I was doing, but this would be fun, even more revealing.  I decided that I would just pick up the bible, open it, and the first thing I saw would obviously be what God wanted me to read that day.  So I opened it and this is what I saw:

Isaiah 6:1-4 (NLT)
1 It was in the year King Uzziah died that I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple. 2 Attending him were mighty seraphim, each having six wings. With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they flew. 3 They were calling out to each other,

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies!
The whole earth is filled with his glory!”

4 Their voices shook the Temple to its foundations, and the entire building was filled with smoke [emphasis mine].

If you know anything about me by now (besides the fact that I have a really great memory) it's probably that I do not believe in coincidence.  When I read passage 4, I felt like it was exactly describing my house when the lightning stuck.  Intrigued by this idea I read all of Chapter 6 and then some of the supporting documentation to learn more about Isaiah.  Turns out he is considered the greatest Old Testament prophet and is quoted at least 50 times in the New Testament.  The "Key" verse, which is also in Chapter 6 (again no coincidence here), reads:

8 Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to my people? Who will go for us?”

And I said, “Lord I'll go! Send me.”

Isaiah was humbled and changed by his unforgettable vision of God, so much so that he immediately answered God's call on his life to be a messenger.  God did not encourage Isaiah with promises of success.  As a matter of fact He basically told him that the people would not listen, but he needed to spread the message anyway.

That is how I feel.  I hear you God.  I know your power.  I know your love and your mercy.  I'll go!  Send me. 

There is so much more to this chapter than I can possible go into right here, right now.  But I've covered the parts that spoke to me the most that day.  I took it as a sign that I am to continue to be God's messenger.  Now please do not misunderstand me, I am not claiming to be a modern day prophet or anything.  Just that I feel called to keep doing what I'm doing through this blog.  Maybe nobody will read it.  Or if they do, maybe nobody will respond to it.  But if there's a chance that it helps even one person then it is worth it. 

So I'll wrap this up by thanking God for blessing our house and keeping us safe - AGAIN!  Amen!

Wait. Wait. Wait. MOVE! Wait...

“Dear God,

Thank you for this revelation!  Thank you for shining a light on my next step.  Thank you for reminding me that it does not matter what’s at the end of this path.  As long as I have faith and obey by continuing to step, you will prepare me, protect me, and be pleased with me!  Please help me to be BOLD for you and to never stop telling about everything I have seen and heard!* In Jesus name I pray – Amen!”  * Acts 4:20 NLT

If you’ve read my Nehemiah 4-Part post from December 2010, you already know that patience is not my strong suit.  I like to feel like I’m in charge, so even though I often look to God for answers, I have a tendency to then race ahead and turn His answers into my own plans.  Lately I’ve felt stuck.  Not discontent.  Not unhappy.  Just stuck!  That’s because 4 years ago, God told me to be patient, and I finally obeyed.  But it’s like being stuck in traffic…

Personally, I’d rather take a detour and go the long way if it means I can at least keep moving and get to my destination quicker!  But unless it is a planned and purposeful detour, implemented by the powers that be, I never beat the traffic.  Whenever I decide to be clever and take matters into my own hands by getting off the road and turning around, I never win.  In traffic (or in line at the store) I’m always in the slow lane.  So I jump over to the seemingly faster lane only to be slowed down again as I watch the spot I once occupied fly past me.  Does that ever happen to you?  I’m starting to realize this is a metaphor for my life.  If I’d just practice some patience and stay put, I’d probably to get to my desired destination much faster.

Sometimes God tells us to be patient.  Other times He tells us to get up and MOVE!  Problem for me is I just got used to the traffic.  I was kicking back, enjoying the view, listening to some tunes.  Now the traffic is starting to clear and it’s time to get moving again.  But I don’t want to move.  I’m scared to move.  I saw that bad accident on the side of the road which caused the traffic.  That could have been me…metaphorically speaking – it was me!  I don’t want to face that destruction again.  Maybe I should just turn around and go home.

It’s interesting to me that whether I’m trying to avoid being stuck or I’m scared to move forward, my first instinct is to “turn around”.  Turn around and back-track to find a better, faster way.  Or turn around and go back home where it’s comfortable!  Either way, it’s “back”.  Back in the past.  And I know for certain that God does not want us to live in the past.

He wants us to move forward.  But before we can move forward, we need to slow down, take a deep breath, and resist the urge to turn around.  Live in the “now” and prepare to move forward.

Earlier this year, I read an amazing book called Sun Stand Still, by Steven Furtick.  While there are many great things that I took away from this book, there is one little passage that really spoke to me.  At the top of Pg. 70, referencing Psalm 119:105, it reads,

“The Bible says that God’s word is a lamp to our feet, [a light on our path], not a floodlight beaming to our destination.”

I just love that!  It made me realize that’s what I’m always doing…waiting for the floodlight to illuminate my final destination and every step in between.  But the Bible clearly tells us that ain’t gonna happen!  Probably because we’d really be terrified if we knew the BIG plans God has in store for us!  So I guess I’ll just have to go with faith.  Take the next step that God is lighting at my feet.  Resist the urge to turn around.  Don’t look back.  MOVE forward!

That’s where I find myself these days, trying to resist the urge.  I feel overwhelmed because God has put several things on my heart to accomplish but I lack focus.  I know that He has a plan, and a pace, and an order for everything, but I have been unable to discern what all that is.  It’s frustrating!  My biggest problem is not really that I can’t see the next step clearly; it’s that I see five different steps, all leading a different direction.  None of which are lit very brightly.

Most of my ideas, goals, visions, whatever you want to call them, are related to interior design (which is my actual profession).  But they aren’t related closely enough for me to wrap my arms around and attempt to pursue all at once.  Up to this point I’ve been missing the link that ties them all together as one BIG vision, with one set path to get there.  Until now…

A couple of weeks ago I could NOT sleep.  I just had all of these ideas rolling around in my head wanting me to do something with them.  I just kept thinking and praying, “What should I pursue first?”  Tired of waiting for an answer I decided to get up and go do something productive.   Looking back, I’m pretty sure that was my answer,

“MOVE!”  He said.

Even before starting this blog, I’ve felt led to start a design blog, but I plan to tie it into an even bigger idea that I have for an eventual interior design business (TAWNT - Topic for A Whole 'Nother Time).  I must be debt-free before I can start this new business (read Jan 2011 post), so I haven’t even worried about that blog yet.  But plans change and for some reason when I got up that night I felt an overwhelming urge to at least check and make sure the name I wanted was available.  It was, so I went ahead and set up my new blog.  I also ordered a book online that I’d been meaning to read for months.  Was the traffic starting to move a little, or was I just taking another self-imposed detour?  I sure hoped not!

When my book finally arrived, I gobbled it up in a day.  It was great but still didn’t make any of my possible steps glow any brighter, that is until I read the back cover about the author, Seth Godin.   It said that he was the founder of www.squidoo.com.  What the heck is that?  I had to go check it out and what I found was a whole new world…a site that allows you to easily create mini websites, called “lenses”, for FREE!  How much FUN!  I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of explaining this, but let’s just say I was hooked!  I’d found a shiny new toy!

So I created a lens and I’m sitting there writing and listening to The Dave Ramsey Show.  He’s talking to his caller about pursuing a better career and finding his passion.  Then he asked the caller, “What would you do if money were no object?”

“WRITE!”

What?  Who said that?  Not the guy on the radio – oh wait…that was me! I startled myself with my own thought being so forcefully screamed by my brain!  All of a sudden it is so obvious.  My next step is to “write.”  That’s the missing link.  That’s the thing that is going to tie all of this stuff together!

This is what God wants me to do.  He’s lighting the path at my feet.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’m any good.  I just know.  I know that through writing I’m going to find some peace and gain the focus needed to start down the lighted path.  God is saying “MOVE!”  And I am saying, “Amen!  It’s about time!”