Screw Nehemiah - NEH Part II

“Dear God,
How could you LET this happen? I thought I was doing exactly what you wanted me to do. I thought I was obeying. I started going to church, I stopped borrowing money, I’ve been tithing faithfully for years…what am I supposed to do now? Why would you lead me to Nehemiah and inspire and encourage me like that? I went for it. I stepped out in faith to rebuild my own personal wall and did more harm than good. You know what – screw Nehemiah! I’m sorry God but I’m upset! The ruins are now worse and I don’t know how to fix them! Please help me - help me understand what I’m doing wrong. I know that I can’t make it through this without you, but apparently I’m not hearing you very well. Show me what I’m missing. What have I done to cause this to happen? Please forgive me for whatever it is and thank you for loving me regardless – Amen!”

Monday, September 17, 2007 – I sat there stunned, alone in my car, tears falling onto the phone in my lap. Seriously…what just happened? I was dressed for work and ready to go. I had just dropped my daughter off at school, kindergarten, where she would go for half a day and then catch a bus over to daycare. I wasn’t thrilled with this arrangement, but it’s what you’ve got to do when you’re a working mom right?

*If you haven’t already read How I Met Nehemiah – NEH Part I, posted on Dec. 17, 2010, I suggest you do so now.

So back to 2007…I was supposed to start my new job that day, the new job that I had totally conceived of and created for myself. The new, bigger, better job that I thought was a blessing from God since He’s the one who gave me the vision in the first place. And then I even consulted His advice by turning to the bible. And there was my answer right there, under the word “Vision”, the ONLY reference was to Nehemiah 2:17-18. So I took ol’ Nehemiah’s example and ran with it. I mean it just doesn’t get any clearer than that does it?! Then tell me, how could I have possibly just heard those words from one of my favorite people in the world?...

“I’m going to have to rescind my offer”, said my old-boss who was supposed to be my new-boss starting that very day.

Once again, the walls were crumbling. I can’t say that it was a total surprise. I’d had a foreshadowing the week before, but I never thought it would turn out like this. When word at the company had gotten around that I would be returning there was some serious push-back. Unlike Nehemiah, I was failing to inspire with my vision. Apparently people really don’t like change and I was coming back with plans to make all kinds of changes. In my talks with the principal partners we had anticipated this reaction to some degree but I was told they were not running a democracy and that their word was final. Anyone opposed would just have to learn to deal with it. Obviously that was not reality and they had a serious case of the tail wagging the dog! The week before, the masses had started to protest so loudly with their pitchforks in hand, that an emergency meeting was called.

In attendance: Me, my old-boss, the other two principals, a designer (who used to work for me and was apparently none-too-thrilled with our new arrangement - looking back I can't really say that I blame her), two other architects and the marketing person (none of whom I’d ever worked with before but they all thought I was stepping on their toes in a big way!)

I will forever refer to this meeting as “My Trial”. Now I’ve never actually been on trial, but this is what I imagine it would feel like. The trial took place in the living room of one of the principal’s homes, and even though he had previously approved of my hiring, he had now taken up the neutral position of what he called “mediator” (you don’t want to know what I called it)! We were all sort of sitting in a circle around the room but it was really more like an egg-shape with me and my old-boss sitting at the smaller end facing the surrounding angry mob. I was like the criminal on trial and he was my counsel, not only defending me, but also his decision to hire me.

After a couple of hours of cross-examination, we concluded the trial with no real verdict. Everyone decided that they would continue to deliberate over the remainder of the week. I was leaving the next day on a short family vacation, and would not be back until the weekend. I was supposed to start work the following Monday so my old-boss and I agreed that I would call first before showing up to work.

You already know what happened on that call. I was suddenly unemployed with a new, bigger, better mortgage and a second baby on the way. How are we going to pay for all this? I was virtually unemployable for the next nine months. Let’s face it, nobody wants to hire someone that can’t travel too far and is then going to take leave for three months!

So as I continued to cry and pray, I asked Him,

“What do you want me to do? Whatever it is, I will do it!” What I heard in response was,

“Trust me. Be patient. I will let you know when you need to act. Until then accept this time as a gift”.

Hmm, I like gifts.  “Okay, I’ll be patient”, I said somewhat skeptical, “But you’re going to have to help me explain this to my husband, my family, my friends, and anyone else who might think that I have totally lost it!”

“Done!” He said, and then He reminded me that my old-boss had offered me a month’s pay of my would-have-been salary for all of the turmoil.

“Trust me”, He repeated, “It’s enough. Be patient.”

This wasn’t the first time that He told me to be patient, but I think it was the first time that I actually listened. And let me just say that it went against every fiber of my being to not be out there trying to fix the situation. But God proved Himself faithful when that money turned out to be EXACTLY what we needed to get us through to the end of the year. And then my husband got his year-end bonus, the biggest one he’d ever had, and along with some careful planning, that was enough to get us through to the next year!

It was at this point that I realized that I could completely trust God. Just like he walked us out of the mess I created with my first business venture, he would walk us out of this one - a mess that was created by the hurt from the loss of my baby. Rather than being patient and allowing Him to heal that hurt, I ran as fast as I could away from that pain in pursuit of the better plans that He had promised.

Realizing that I was not able to fix ANYthing (I was actually making things worse), and knowing that we had enough money for a little while, allowed me to relax and let go. I quit worrying about getting a job (which was a little unnerving for my husband as he now shouldered all of the financial responsibility) and started to see this time as exactly what it was - a GIFT! Now I would have more time to spend with my daughter. She wouldn’t have to go to aftercare anymore (remember - I was less than impressed with that arrangement anyway)! I could rest and just focus on having a happy pregnancy and a healthy baby. And that’s exactly what I did, giving birth to my beautiful son on Valentine’s Day of all days!

He is now almost three years old. We still live in our new, bigger, better house and we have not had to borrow any more money to do so. As a matter of fact, we are poised to be completely debt-free (except for the house) very soon. I must mention that my husband is an excellent provider and he has been keeping the faith right along with me!  The past three years have been nothing short of a miracle. We are so blessed and these trials that we continue to go through have made our marriage even stronger and brought our family closer together. God really does know what He is doing. I am now perfectly content to let Him handle things!

You may be wondering what happened to my relationship with Nehemiah. Do I still hold a grudge against him for leading me so astray? How does my story inspire anyone to consult the bible when looking for answers? When I went there I found him, but following his example certainly didn’t seem to work out at all! Well stay tuned for my next post because, My Boyfriend’s Back – NEH Part III.